A disturbing amount of people were shocked by this
By Rebecca Peterson, Humour Editor
Barely recovering from her last foray across the border, the Other Pressâs newly reinstated foreign correspondence reporter Ogahd Wy once again travelled into the land of the free to investigate a shocking report out of Harvyale University.
âThereâs just no getting around it,â said statistics professor Dr. Jayne McNumbers. âWeâve tested this from every possible angle to see if there was a mistake, but⌠well, it turns out that a lot of the police officers who are involved in the shootings of unarmed black men have a history of racism and violence.â
Upon finishing his sentence, a strawman opened the door to Dr. McNumberâs office, shouted âNot all cops!â and left.
âObviously not all cops are like this,â Dr. McNumbers said, pulling at his hair a little. âAnd not all cops with obvious racist traits shoot people for holding e-cigarettes at scary angles and having car trouble. But a lot of cops who do have, like, really obvious signs of racism and violence. Itâs not like itâs coming out of nowhere, is what Iâm saying.â
When asked how this information might help to prevent future murders, Dr. McNumbers pulled a bottle of Pepto Bismal out of his desk, took a swig, and answered, âI have no idea. Ostensibly the police forces are supposed to check to make sure they arenât hiring racists, but what do you do when the guy doing the hiring is racist? You could say, well, maybe the findings of this study will spur people into action, but as a stats guy I can tell you that the odds are definitely not in our favour on that score. People will just bring up crap like âblack-on-black crimeâ and âohh white people get murdered tooâ because they donât understand how percentages work, never mind institutionalized racism. I have no idea how to get the general populace to start caring that police are killing innocent people in the streets-â
At that moment the door was thrown open again by an out-of-breath TA, who panted, âThe cops shot a white person.â
âJesus Christ,â said Dr. McNumbers. âWell, maybe this will get more people caring about this problem-â
âWait, false alarm,â the TA said, as she squinted at her phone. âThe person was mentally ill. Some people are saying it was justified.â
Dr. McNumbers then apparently sank from his chair to the floor, held his bottle of Pepto Bismal tightly in his grasp, and whispered to Wy, âGet out of this garbage country while you still can.â
Reporter Ogahd Wy has since requested never to be put on foreign correspondence duty ever again.