Excerpts from an informational pamphlet
By Rebecca Peterson, Humour Editor
We all must find some way to coexist on this big blue ball. In the interest of not being a dick on public transit and thereby helping to maintain the peace we all strive for, we ask that you observe the following rules of etiquette while using the SkyTrain.
Don’t block the SkyTrain doors
Just as it is rude to block a fellow human by standing in front of them as they try to speak to you, so it is rude to do so to the doors of the SkyTrain. They have feelings too, after all, and a job to do. Imagine how you felt at your school dance in Grade Six, when the popular girls formed a tight circle and edged you out of it, leaving you to dance awkwardly on your own. That is how the SkyTrain doors feel, when you stand in front of them without acknowledging their existence.
These seats are meant for those who show the most courtesy while on the SkyTrain. The best way to show courtesy is to give up your seat. Therefore, these seats should resemble a never-ending round of musical chairs, where you sit down only if given the opportunity by a courteous human, only to immediately spring back up and offer it to another instead.
Personal audio devices and cellphones
Just as it was rude to eat candy in kindergarten without bringing enough to share with the class, so too is it disrespectful to listen to music and hold conversations on your cellular phone without sharing the experience with your fellow humans. If you must listen to music, turn up the volume loud enough for everyone around you to hear. If you must converse with someone on the phone, put the phone on speaker or relay both sides of the conversation to your neighbours. Remember: Project from the diaphragm, so everyone can hear you.
Food & drinks
So often we forget our manners when in transit, and we must therefore strive to rectify this by not only keeping to our own rules of etiquette, but providing an example for others. When eating on the SkyTrain, do remember to place your napkin in your lap neatly, and use the appropriate silverware for the appropriate task. Always place your cutlery upon your plate at an angle when you are finished, and be sure to compliment the chef and tip well. Never ask for salt and pepper—this is an insult to the chef, and is therefore improper etiquette.
Keep your hygiene personal, and do not bow to societal norms. If you, personally, dislike soap, then that is your personal hygiene, and you must keep with it. If you, personally, believe that deodorant is for capitalist pigs, then by all means let your natural scent fill the air around you. It will show your fellow passengers that you keep your hygiene practices personal, and they will appreciate you for your honesty.