Company bravely refuses to hire anyone other than white men to combat tokenism

‘It’s because we respect women and minorities,’ said CEO

By Rebecca Peterson, Humour Editor

A local insurance company, Wilde Claims Co., came forward in a press release over the weekend after allegations of discrimination against minorities when hiring.

“It’s actually the opposite of discrimination,” explained CEO Chadwick Wilde in his statement to the press. “See, like, we’re not looking at superficial things like race or gender when making these decisions. That’s actually more bigoted, you know? We’re not hiring to fill a quota; we’re hiring whoever fits the job. Everyone here is super qualified.”

Wilde has a long history of speaking out on behalf of women, people of colour, and the LGBTQ community. His essays on such matters have been published in many magazines owned by white men. His most popular one to date is titled, “No, You’re Sexist: Why Claiming Misogyny Exists Sets Women Back by Decades,” followed closely by the critically-acclaimed think piece “The Dictionary Definition of Racism Is…”

“I’d say I’m more of an egalitarian or a humanist than a feminist,” said Wilde in a phone interview. “I definitely think we should respect women, and the gays, and—um, what’s the PC way to say—people of colour, right? Anyway, I think that respect means we shouldn’t give people any special treatment, ’cause that’s worse. That’s way worse than having an office full of white guys. No one in my office thinks they’re just here to make us look good, you know? And if I hired someone who wasn’t a white dude, they might think that they’re just here for show. It’s the brave choice, I think, and a step in the right direction. I think more people should adopt this policy in their workplaces as well.”

When asked if he thought there were qualified women, people of colour, and members of the LGBTQ+ community for these positions, Wilde laughed. “Well, obviously, are you trying to make me look bad or something? Sure they exist, but there’s so many white guys here, they probably wouldn’t be comfortable in this work environment. Like I said, it comes down to doing the white thing—sorry, I meant right thing. I’m not hiring any token people. It’s just not right.”

Many of his employees, with job security, a six-figure salary, and health benefits, seem to agree with Wilde’s approach. However, one man who prefers to remain anonymous pulled the Other Press reporter aside at the end of the interviews.

“I’m actually half-Korean,” the man admitted. “I don’t think he can tell. Please don’t tell him, he’ll think he’s doing me a favour by firing me so I’m not his ‘Token Asian.’”