None of us are getting into heaven, only dogs

‘Everyone else kind of sucks,’ declares Catholic Church

By Rebecca Peterson, Humour Editor

In a stunning yet somewhat unsurprising statement on Sunday, the Catholic Church proclaimed heaven to be off-limits to all species, save canines.

“Let’s face it, humanity just doesn’t deserve a chance at the afterlife,” sighed Douglas College Archbishop Reverend J. Carnarvon, in a statement to the Other Press on Monday. “There’s only so much confession can do for us. Only so many Hail Marys. You know what I mean? After a while you just kind of have to accept that we’re kind of a garbage species.”

The Pope explained a dog’s eligibility for sainthood and life-everlasting by expounding upon their “unending loyalty, unconditional love, and overall sweetness” in a speech delivered at the Vatican over the weekend. Many Catholics worldwide seem to agree with this assessment.

“I mean, think about it,” wrote Catholic blogger John Luke-Peter. “Would you even want to go to heaven, if you knew it was just chock-full of people? Sounds more like hell than anything else. Even if we aren’t all exactly murderers and liars—okay, we’re all liars, that’s a given—we are all at the very least incredibly annoying. I don’t want to spend an eternity with people who budge in line, or who text through movies without dimming their phone screen. We don’t deserve heaven. Heaven deserves dogs.”

“Well, personally, I think it’s absurd,” said cat enthusiast and prize-winning doily maker Anna Dobson via her YouTube channel. “Dogs are sloppy, slobbery, uncoordinated messes with emotional dependency issues. Cats are sleek and well-groomed, and incredibly elegant. They love people in their own way. Why should they be left out of heaven? And I’m talking about cats specifically here, I don’t think that anyone’s trying to argue that humans should go to heaven. We’ve all kind of screwed the pooch on that one.”

(At that moment, one of Dobson’s cats jumped on her computer keyboard, knocked her camera to the floor, and smacked her in the face with its claws.)

“Okay, never mind,” Dobson conceded moments later, as she righted her camera and pressed tissues to her bleeding face. “I love cats, but cats are dicks. They’re totally dicks. All dogs go to heaven; I get it. No, Felix, do not furball on my—goddammit!”

There is no word on how this will affect future Catholic masses and rituals, but a new rule has been passed down by the Vatican stating that banning dogs from church grounds is an offence punishable by excommunication.