Photo illustration by Lauren Kelly
Depression meals: Birthday cake
By Mercedes Deutscher, Social Media Coordinator
Ingredients:
1 box of cake mix
3 eggs
Cake tin
1 cup of oil
1 tub of icing of choice
Candles
Preheat oven to 350°C.
Wash the mixing bowl that you put your popcorn into a few weeks back. Treat yourself. It’s your birthday.
Dump cake mix into bowl. Mix three eggs and one cup of oil into mix. Make sure to mix it all at once so that it’s lumpy. Do not mix the eggs separately. Only professionals and people who have their life together do that, you piece of shit.
Make sure to taste the cake batter. Be disappointed when you realize cake batter isn’t cookie dough.
Grease a cake tin. You can use butter, margarine, oil, or your own sweat and tears.
Pour cake batter into tin. Place into preheated oven and get Siri to set your timer for 45 minutes.
Check your mailbox for birthday cards, only to be disappointed that your Visa bill is the only thing in there.
Sit on your couch and think about how you’ve been wasting the prime of your life on the Internet. Remember that you did this to yourself. Think about your peers that you graduated high school with who are approaching their university graduations this summer. Recall how you couldn’t even finish your second year of college before dropping out.
Debate what you are going to do for the rest of your life… Are you just going to be a useless sack of meat that feels sorry for themselves all of the time? Will you seize what youth you have left before people start seeing you as middle-aged or old and don’t care about what you have to say anymore? Will you ever own a house, or a car, or literally anything of value?
Be shocked when your timer goes off. You’ve been moping for 45 minutes. If 45 minutes goes by so fast, how quickly will the rest of your life flash by?
Take cake out of oven and let it cool down for 15 minutes before growing too impatient to let it set for the proper amount of time. Frost with icing. Get frustrated that crumbs are getting in your icing and that your cake is falling apart.
Put candles on cake. You’re too old to be able to use one box of candles now. Light the candles and walk back to your living room. Place the cake on the coffee table and sob while singing “Happy Birthday” to yourself.
Accidentally blow all the candles out in one go. You don’t get any boyfriends this year.
Eat entire cake with a fork. Do not cut into slices.
