College majors as sex moves

Drawing inspiration from your course schedule

By Jessica Berget, Staff Writer

English: “The Shakespearean”

To bone or not to bone; that is the question. Some might consider this position to be the most boring out of all the sexual positions, but those who say that have never tried whispering sweet erotic similes into their lover’s ear while doing the dirty before. The Shakespearean is the most romantic move of them all. In no other position are you able to embrace your lover, look them deep in the eye sockets and recite sensual soliloquies mid-coitus. Old English playwrights don’t satisfy your sexual literary needs? Try some sexy free verse poetry (they don’t call him e.e. cummings for nothing). Orgasms will only be accepted in MLA format. 

Math: “The Hypotenuse”

With this position you and your partner aren’t the only ones that have to be turned on—a functioning calculator is an integral part of this sex move. Let your partner know you’re in the mood by typing “8OO85” into the calculator and your night of seductive mathematical fun has begun. This move is perfect for those who are into role-playing. Before diving onto that arithmedick or arithmeclit, decide with your partner who will be the longest side of the triangle and decide on a safe word (“Pythagoras” is a popular one for this move). We recommend stretching beforehand as both you and your sexual acquaintance will have to position your bodies into 90 degree angles for long durations of time.

Political Science: “The Filibuster”

Before you hold a caucus in the bedroom, get those groin juices flowing with a good long speech. Foreplay just isn’t foreplay without at least 8 hours of straight talking about anything other than the topic of sex. When your partner has moved on and doesn’t want to have hot, scandalous, political sex anymore, you will know you have done this move right.

Psychology: “Pavlov’s Doggystyle”

Arouse your honey’s unconditioned stimulus by ringing a bell when you wish to fornicate. Keep this up until your partner becomes incredibly horny anytime they hear the ring of a bell and you are ready to perform this move. Spice things up with some psychoanalytic dirty talking by calling your partner “daddy,” after which your partner will erotically explain to you that calling them “daddy” is a way of coping with the fact that you never had a father figure growing up, which is the reason for your abandonment issues. Hot and informative! The way sex should be.

Biology: “The Lab Experiment”

The mitochondria may be the powerhouse of the cell, but you’re going to be the powerhouse of the bed after mastering this scientific sex move. Ask your “lab partner” to help get your equipment ready, be sure to wear your personal protective equipment, and ’get ready to learn about the reproductive system first hand!