And how they, like, never work
By Rebecca Peterson, Humour Editor
It’s the first issue of the Other Press of the New Year, and the well of inspiration for humour has never been deeper! And what’s funnier, fresher, and more relatable than an article about New Year’s resolutions? Absolutely nothing!
New Year’s resolutions, everyone. Man, what to say. What to say to fill up a 400-word article minimum—
(Wait—just heard from my editors that just barely scraping the 400-word minimum is a douche move).
What to say to fill up a respectable 450-word minimum! The possibilities are endless.
(Note: The writer proceeded to take a 15-minute Facebook break to look for possibilities. They turned out to not be quite so endless as anticipated.)
Alright, well, first of all, we have to make fun of people for trying to better their lives because we live in a world of cynicism and mockery, so let’s do that. Eating healthy? Bah, eating healthy is for NERDS. Exercise is for NERDS. Getting a proper amount of sleep to improve overall mental health and boost energy levels throughout the day is for NERDS.
(Note: At the time of writing this, the writer is wearing a Hufflepuff scarf.)
So, alright, we’ve mocked the concept. Let’s get into the follow-through, shall we? Ha, isn’t it so funny how people spend lots of money on a gym membership then never go? Wasting funds that many can’t afford to waste on the hope of self-improvement is so hilarious! They probably can’t afford groceries because they were hoping to better their lives through healthy practices. That’s funny, right?
(Note: The writer took another 10-minute break to stare into the void of existence. She has 291 words down; only 159 left to go. This is for you, Chandler (Assistant Editor).)
This is generally the part of the article where something somewhat genuine and wholesome is said. Like, even if you don’t succeed, the real point is that you tried. The real point is that you wanted to improve, and that every year we all make an effort to improve. That as long as we’re still sold on the power of improvement, maybe not all is lost. Maybe we can change the world. Maybe I, too, can start exercising and eating well and not sleeping somewhere between 3 and 14 hours every night.
(Note: The writer had to pause to explain to a kindly passerby that no, she’s not crying, she’s writing a humour article, why would she be crying, maybe the passerby was crying and couldn’t see properly and that’s why they thought she was crying. Eventually the passerby left.)
Five words aaaaand I’m done. Chandler, you’re welcome.
(Assistant Editor’s note: While the writer technically managed 450 words, she included headlines and byline into that count, so reaaally the article was only at a measly 435 (before extensive edits) so here’s a few more words to round it out. You’re welcome, Rebecca.)