Your Horoscopes

See what the universe is deciding for your future this week!

By Rebecca Peterson, Humour Editor

Here at the Other Press, we care about putting the $10,000 per week retainer we spend on our in-house psychic to good use. Let’s see what the cosmos have in store for you this week!

If today is your birthday…

Due to the rotation of the planet and its trajectory around the sun, your Facebook feed is bound to be cluttered with well-wishing messages today—some from people you expect, some from people you haven’t spoken to in five years, and there will also be noticeable gaps where people you expected to wish you a happy birthday did not, in fact, leave you a message. You will think about what this all means for longer than you should.

ARIES (March 21–April 20)

This is the time for daring dos. Do something you wouldn’t otherwise do to prove that you are, in fact, super brave and outgoing. Try bungee-jumping! Or meeting new people! Or quitting your job! None of these things will go well for you, but the stars say it’s a good idea to do it anyway. Just make sure your life insurance is up to date before you do all that doing.

TAURUS (April 21–May 21)

Taurus, you’ve been worrying far too much recently, and it’s really starting to harsh your mellow. So put aside financial worries, relationship insecurities, career anxieties, the encroaching malaise of a life that feels so much less than what you’d hoped for, what you dreamed about when you were young… where did that drive and energy go, it feels like only yesterday your life path was set so clear and bright before you, and now you are older than you were but younger than you feel you should be, and you are lost, so lost…

Anyway, put aside all that and you’ll be a much happier person!

GEMINI (May 22–June 21)

Your mantra this week should be: “Every day in every way I get better and better and better.” Because it’s true! Sing this to yourself in the shower. Say this to your reflection. Make it your voicemail message. Mutter it to yourself on public transit. Whisper it under your breath at work. Everyone will be entirely captivated by your self-confidence! And if they aren’t, they’re probably just jealous.

CANCER (June 22–July 23)

You’ve spent so much time caring for other people, Cancer, it’s time to give yourself a little break. It’s time to restore the balance of the universe—time to care for yourself by beating the ever-loving shit out of others. Verbally, physically, it honestly doesn’t matter. Pamper yourself by telling that lying, cheating co-worker of yours how much of an unbelievable dick they are. Practice self-care by turning down a party invitation with brutal honesty: “No, Helen, I’m not busy, I just don’t like you.” This will help restore your inner chi, and will make your busy life so much less hectic!

LEO (July 24–Aug. 23)

Due to the position of Mars, your luck will be plentiful and your endeavours universally successful. Due to the position of Pluto, however, your luck will be terrible and your endeavours are doomed to fail. So, they both kind of cancel out and your week should be relatively normal.

VIRGO (August 24–September 23)

Be careful crossing the road this week. Not for any particular reason. It’s just always good to be aware.

LIBRA (September 24–October 23)

A malevolent spirit has attached itself to you and has been following in your footsteps for quite some time now. However, it’s taken a liking to you, so I wouldn’t worry about it too much. It’s a good week for you to pick lottery numbers.

SCORPIO (October 24–November 22)

This is a week of low energy and general fatigue. Because of this, you may find it hard to complete school work on time. Feel free to present this horoscope as proof of your condition to your professors while asking for an extension.

(Note: Please do not actually do this)

CAPRICORN (December 22–January 20)

Fun fact: Capricorn is the Other Press Humour Editor’s sign! This means you should give her money. If you see Other Press Humour Editor Rebecca Peterson, give her money. It will benefit a Capricorn greatly.

AQUARIUS (January 21–February 19)

You should probably also give Humour Editor Rebecca Peterson money. It’s good karma. So says the stars.

PISCES (February 20–March 20)

I’m not saying there’s someone reading this article over your shoulder. I’m saying there’s a strong possibility someone is reading this article over your shoulder. Make friends with this person. They are your only hope of survival when the apocalypse strikes. Soon.