Observations from an intimidated bisexual
By Rebecca Peterson, Humour Editor
Given the recent shock of Vancouver actually experiencing something close to winter, many have taken the opportunity to get full use out of long-forgotten winter gear. For example, I bought proper mukluk-style snow boots in 2014, and I have definitely worn them more in the past week than I have throughout the past three years of ownership. The point is, we’re all fucking freezing.
Except for a select few. A select, super-powered few.
I first noticed the phenomenon at my local bus stop. There I was, an odd mismatched cross between the Abominable Snowman and some other funny metaphor, bundled up in scarves and coats and gloves. A few feet away from me, however, was another woman.
A woman wearing a short skirt.
She didn’t look the slightest bit cold; if anything, it was as if she was living in a completely different season. A warmer season. One where a skirt and flats were really all you needed to stay warm. I was a bit jealous of her obvious superhuman abilities to regulate body temperature more effectively than me… and a little intimidated.
Like goddamn. She looked good, and not at all hypothermic. How do you even do that?
I’ve been noticing, however, that this is not an isolated phenomenon. Women in short skirts and fancy shoes are all over the place, striding over the four-inch ice in three-inch heels with steely-eyed determination. They are not beholden to the whims of the weather. They are made of stronger stuff than most.
I’ll expand this to include nonbinary folks, and men who appreciate skirts as well: To everyone who is braving the winter in short skirts, I applaud you. I don’t know how you came to be—part of me thinks you might have antifreeze in your bloodstream, which sounds kind of awful but I mean it in the very best of ways. I don’t understand how you can look at the snow and ice outside, then at your wardrobe, and decide to bare your legs to winter’s wrath. We clearly live much different lives, with very different levels of tolerance for discomfort and cold.
I have no doubt, however, that when the shouty orange man in charge of the United States slams his tiny hand down on that big red button and we are plunged into a nuclear winter for decades to come, you are the ones who will survive. I ask only that you pass our stories down through the coming generations, and remember those of us who were too weak to survive any temperature dropping below -5 degrees. You are undoubtedly the strongest of us all, and our future depends on you and your inability to feel cold.
In the meantime, however, I’ll finish with this: Y’all look great, and I would ask you to teach me your ways if I didn’t think it was one of those things that just can’t be taught.