Your Horoscopes

They are yours, and yours alone

By Rebecca Peterson, Humour Editor

Here at the Other Press, we look to the future. We look to the past. Backstreet’s Back, alright.

IF TODAY IS YOUR BIRTHDAY…

Congratulations! You are one year closer to your inevitable death. Happy birthday! J

ARIES (March 21 – April 20)

Dear Aries: according to a friend of mine, prepare to get rekt scrub (not in a good way). I trust this means you will have a pleasant and productive week.

TAURUS (April 21 – May 21)

Nice kangaroo onesie ya got there.

GEMINI (May 22 – June 22)

We consulted with the stars and it’s confirmed; the stars have a massive crush on you! They’re wondering if you feel the same but are too shy to ask you out in person. To be fair, the stars are eons old and still live in their mom’s basement, but it’s flattering, isn’t it?

CANCER (June 22 – July 23)

Yikes.

LEO (July – Aug. 23)

If a bird shits on your head it’s a sign of good luck. I suggest seeking out a bird at your earliest convenience, because you will need all the luck you can get this week.

VIRGO (Aug. 24 – Sept. 23)

Imagine being bogged down in homework all week, never to come up for air. I’m not saying that’s going to happen to you. I just think it’s something you should imagine.

LIBRA (Sept. 24 – Oct. 23)

… . _. _.. – _. .._ _.. . …

SCORPIO (Oct. 24 – Nov. 22)

As long as it’s an accident it’s not a crime.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 23 – Dec. 21)

We’re so sorry.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 – Jan. 20)

Humour Editor Rebecca Peterson is still accepting cash donations, but will also accept free food and coffee as payment.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 21 – Feb. 19)

You read the humour section. You see the horoscope section. They’re all so short. So mundane. So asinine. You think the humour editor might be phoning it in. You don’t know for sure. You put the paper aside. You think upon your life thus far. Where are you going, Aquarius? Where have you gone? What have you done? By God, what have you done? They won’t catch you at this point, it’s been far too long, but the guilt remains… the guilt remains with you forever.

PISCES (Feb. 20 – Mar. 20)

Split up and look for clues.