Capricorn
(12/22-1/19)
Restriction and discipline were never your strong suits but ask yourself: do you really need 5,000 boxes of Oreos today? No. You need them tomorrow.
Aquarius
(1/20-2/18)
You have to be thankful for the good things in your life. For example, blind date shows have all but disappeared, meaning that the world will no longer laugh at your desperate mug on TV.
Pisces
(2/19-3/20)
You need to tone things down when it comes to romance. Nobody wants several dozen flowers covered in glitter delivered to their home hourly.
Aries
(3/21-4/19)
Your love is magnetic. Unfortunately, you should probably vacate the kitchen, as your magnetism may cause knives to fly at your partner during a romantic dinner.
Taurus
(4/20-5/20)
You should dress more conservatively in order to be successful. I would recommend emulating the fashion sense of Stephen Harper. His wardrobe choices have won over many young hearts all across Canada.
Gemini
(5/21-6/21)
Your love life may be anemic right now, but don’t worry! I just read your tarot and the ace of clubs says that things will soon be on fire!
Cancer
(6/22-7/22)
It seems like it’s getting harder to communicate with your partner each day. Maybe if he or she stopped avoiding arguments by suddenly speaking Klingon, your problems could be solved. Maybe.
Leo
(7/23-8/22)
This a fantastic time for love, action, and emotions. Unfortunately, you’re a person who only has one line of dialogue in this play of life and it’s “We’re all out of toner!”
Virgo
(8/23-9/22)
There’s a fine line between being a friend and being a creepy stalker who hides under your sick friend’s bed. Guess which category you fall into, no matter how times you tell me lies about being loyal and true.
Libra
(9/23-10/22)
If you want to gain the love and support of others, then don’t control their decisions. After all, you are most likely not a presidential candidate. However, if you are a presidential candidate, then what the hell are you doing reading a Canadian college newspaper?
Scorpio
(10/23-11/21)
You need to make more realistic goals for yourself. To be honest, even the most desperate of movie studios isn’t going to accept your remake of Cutthroat Island screenplay!
Sagittarius
(11/22-12/21)
Things are finally going in your favour. However, there’s just one problem: that talking seashell won’t stop yammering on about your overdue rent. It’s best to just throw him back into the sea.
With files from Livia Turnbull.