During my month-long absence, I switched all Safeway’s price stickers with Best Buy’s price stickers. Now, people are going to feel my misery about not having enough money when they find out they have pay $250 for a slab of meat! How’s that for doing community service, parole officer?
When a friend of yours doesn’t want to talk to you about his or her personal problems, just go to your friend’s Facebook page and scroll through their status updates to figure out what exactly is on his or her mind!
Do you feel like you’re being watched? The planets are watching you. Yes, they’re ones I occasionally mention when I don’t feel like explaining important things to you.
You don’t need to socialize to be successful in life! Look at me! I have no social skills whatsoever and I still have a job!
You know what? You’re not the centre of attention at all! I’m sick of you, and your constant pleas of “Pay attention to me!” Other people don’t bawl as loud as you do every time they want something! You got that, newborn who lives in the house that I broke into?
Reading a good book would be a top-notch spiritual improvement…guru…thing. Whatever. Just stop reading that Fifty Shades of Gray series already!
Worries about money can lead you to do drastic things, like rob a bank. The best way to cure this is to go for a walk and hope you aren’t involved in a drive-by.
You live for being alone. That’s why, as part of my “Stop Shut-Ins” project, I’ve invited you to two back-to back parties. You’ll thank me for it later.
Today, you’ll find that all your friends are actually clothing brands! So much for claiming to be a sociable person on all your resumes. Well, I guess that’s another job related worry for you.
You tend to enjoy Solitaire, but it won’t hurt you to play with friends every once in while—what? Oh, my mistake. That should be you tend to enjoy solitude. Just follow the advice I gave in the other horoscopes.
The air will be tense tonight at your family reunion. Your family members are always full of problems they don’t share. Especially about that drunk uncle who has just recently been arrested for vehicular manslaughter.
You’ll get some mysterious phone calls today. It could be ghost or the spirit of your old family dog! But most likely it’s just some brats goofing around.
With files from Livia Turnbull