Doomsday predictor increasingly excited as sun sets sooner and sooner

‘One day it won’t return,’ he warns

By Chandler Walter, Contributor

The astrological phenomenon that is the changing of the seasons has one New Westminster man brimming with anticipation.

Yurral Gonadye, a 36-year-old resident of New Westminster and self-titled “Doomsday Predictor,” has been standing outside the Old Spaghetti Factory every day for the past month wearing a sandwich board that does not, in fact, advertise sandwiches.

It instead reads “The End Is Nigh” in bold red letters that Gonadye assured us is probably not, but definitely could be, human blood.

“It’s finally going to happen,” Gonadye told the Other Press in an exclusive email interview. “The sands of time will run dry, the sun will cease to exist, and the screams of humanity will be muffled by infinite nothingness.”

When asked what prompted him to make such claims, Gonadye cited the patterns of the sun as his main source of inspiration.

“Every day it sets sooner and sooner. If it keeps going on like this, the sun may one day never rise at all, and blackness will reign king in a blind, dead world of ice,” he wrote from his email account YurralIzCool69420blazeit@hotmail.com. “Like clockwork the sun has been slowly disappearing, ever since June 21.”

It should be noted that June 21 is the longest day of the year, and every day after that the official times for sunrise and sunset get earlier until the shortest day of the year, December 21. However, when the basic fundamentals of seasonal patterns were explained to Gonadye the man broke into a fit of laughter that lasted roughly 11.5 minutes.

“Seasons are nothing more than propaganda spewed by the governmental overlords; a soother meant to put small-minded souls at ease from the imminent demise that will befall us all,” he wrote. “Of course, the fake news media machine such as yourselves would prop up the fortunate lies that are being told the world over. It’s a filthy disgrace.”

Gonadye did, however, admit that he had made similar claims a year prior and had been disappointed that, come the winter solstice, the sun began to appear more frequently and for longer durations of time heading into spring.

“That was just a fluke last year. A fluke,” Gonadye assured us. “This year will be different, I know it. A raven screamed it into my ear in a dream I had while on the bus. I’m serious you guys, 2018 is the year, and I could not be more excited.”