Police introduce zero-tolerance policy on zero-tolerance policies

‘Those who don’t follow the policy will be shot out of our awesome cannon,’ say police
By Klara Woldenga, Entertainment Editor

Yesterday the chief of police, Frank Trenten, held a press conference to announce a new policy about zero-tolerance policies. He stated that there is now a citywide ban on any policy that touts “zero tolerance.”

“One morning we talked for like five whole minutes about how to solve these kinds of policy problems,” said Trenten. “We think this was the best way to solve it.”

According to a recent press release sent out by local police, those attempting to issue zero-tolerance policies will be subject to heavy penalties and fines without any warning.

“Anyone who attempts to create a zero-tolerance policy will be subject to a $5,000 fine and will be shot out of a cannon,” Trenten said. “I’m not kidding. Bob, our administrative guy, tried to start a zero-tolerance policy yesterday and I was like, ‘Nuh-uh, you’re going into the cannon.’ He was like, ‘Whhhaaaattt,’ and I was like, ‘Yeah huh.’ Then he was shot out of the cannon. RIP.”

The reception of this new policy has been fairly positive with only a few complaints. Those who have complained have been shot out of the same cannon used for enforcing the zero-tolerance policy on zero-tolerance policies.

“It’s a great cannon, strong and rustic,” said Trenten.

“I think the new policy is great,” said local Vancouverite and mother, Joan Foss. “I don’t understand it, but the person telling me about it was wearing a badge and had a deep, mustached voice, so me and my baby Jack trust them.”

When asked what Foss loved so much about mustaches she replied: “I just wish I could grow them is all. But my baby will be able to when he’s older! That’s the only reason I had him.”

When asked what he thought of the policy, Jack the baby grabbed the mic and began chewing on it, suggesting that he not only agrees with the policy, but will also probably grow up to make more than me salary-wise.

Unfortunately, in the first few weeks of implementing the policy, local police have already encountered a problem:  Cannon wear and tear.

“The only cannons we have are old ones taken from several history museums,” said Trenten. “Those already have so many miles on them, and we’ve shot so many people out of them in the past few weeks.”

Trenten is requesting more cannon donations to help with their cause.

“We will be using these in the near and far future,” said Trenten. “Anything helps. Even catapults would be helpful. Or some really big rocks for throwin’.”

When the Canadian War Museum was contacted by local police they issued a public statement: “We don’t want any part of this,” they wrote. “Also, do you know where all of our cannons went? There’s like a broken window and glass, and all of our cannons are gone. Isn’t this something the police is supposed to look into? Thanks.”

“We don’t have their cannons,” said Trenten in response to the statement. “Anyone who disagrees, well, you know where they’ll be put and shot out of.”