All of your friends mad at that thing you did

‘Why did you do the thing? We told you not to do the thing!’
By Isabelle Orr, Entertainment Editor

A reputable news source announced that all of your friends are upset and annoyed at that thing you did.

In a recent interview, you told reporters that you “thought you got away with [the incident]” and that “pretty much nobody had noticed it,” but our sources determined that this was false.

Reports even closer to the source (the source being you) explained that the animosity from your friends stems from not one isolated incident, but many over time that built up into a kind of “volcano of hate.”

Other Press reporters spoke to sociologist Mary Fraser about why all of your friends were pissed at you all at the same time.

“It turns out that the subject [you] often acts in a way that is both juvenile and self-aggrandizing. The subject isn’t open to any criticism, and often acts out of spite or immediately goes on the defensive. Additionally, the subject is a big, whiny baby who needs to either grow up or shut up. Also, their pouting is not cute, and they are much too old to dress the way that they do.”

In an interview with your parents it was revealed that they couldn’t stand you either.

“[Your Name] has always acted this way, even as a child,” your mother said. “If [Your Name] didn’t get their way, everybody would suffer. It’s no surprise that [Your Name] has managed to tick off every single friend they have.”

“I also hate [Your Name],” your father added.

To add insult to injury, in a poll run by the Other Press, almost all of your friends find you insufferable when you drink, and 80 percent say you can’t dance.

“Also, you can’t keep using Tinder, saying you hate Tinder, delete it for three days, then separately ask each of us if you should download Tinder again,” one of your friends said. “Either download it or don’t. Nobody cares.”

Is there any hope for you?

“[Your Name] could start by including money for a tip whenever we all order DoorDash on one credit card,” your best friend told reporters. “Don’t think we don’t notice that, because we do. It’s like, we use my credit card, but I have to give the delivery guy a five dollar tip out of my own pocket? You have to leave at least a ten percent tip. It’s built right into the app.”

Other suggested remedies for your behaviour include washing the dishes whenever a friend invites you over for dinner, liking close friends’ Instagram pictures as soon as they’re posted, offering your place for someone to crash, and to stop using finger guns.

“Are they still doing that finger gun thing?” your father asked. “Jesus Christ.”