By Isabelle Orr, Entertainment Editor
1) that one time you asked for a “shart in the dark” instead of a shot in the dark at a Starbucks and everybody heard
2) Borat (2006)
3) your antidepressant
4) that you forgot to get a refill on, so you scrabble under your nightstand to see if there’s a spare for when you dropped a full bottle, because you
5) can never get the child-proof lid off
6) your meditation app, that doesn’t really “work” on you, and you really should delete it, because you need the extra storage space on your iPhone for your ever-growing album of pictures of wildly expensive clear shoes
7) check Twitter
8) your five positive words of affirmation you say to yourself in the mirror, which start strong (“intuitive”) and end on a decidedly different note (“can accurately predict what episode of Family Guy will appear on cable television next”)
9) guilt about not calling own parents
10) anger towards own parents
11) acceptance that before they had you, your parents were their own distinct individuals with hopes and dreams, just like you have right now
12) check Instagram
13) after you asked for a “shart in the dark” you got flustered and tried to correct yourself but just ended up saying it again
14) forget whether or not you’ve taken your antidepressant, so feel free to take another one just in case
15) add three more pairs of clear shoes to your album
16) begin to check Tinder, then delete the app
17) it is now noon