A few ways to keep that unruly womb of yours in check
By Richard Dick, Contributor
The feature this week is all about IUDs, but clearly, they aren’t the only type of birth control. People have both been bumping uglies and hating babies since the beginning of time, so there are many diverse options for those who enjoy having a disposable income and a regular sleep schedule. The Other Press has got you covered with all the information about alternative forms of birth control in case you don’t want a septum piercing up in the depths of your vagina.
1. Anal
Put it in your ass, as the old sayings goes. I’m pretty sure babies can’t be born this way, but there are a lot of assholes in this world and one can only wonder if all the moms of jerks in history got it in the ass and gave birth that way too.
2. Be gay
Instead of always getting the same thing, why not order some pussy off the menu this time? There will be no threat of getting pregnant, your hunger will be satisfied, your acne will clear, and your credit score will probably go up.
3. Squat everyday
Show that little bitch in your womb who’s boss. Do 1000 squats a day until the parasite just pops out and scampers away. Thick thighs can save lives, but you can also use them for intimidation.
4. Healing Crystals
Re-align your non-pregnant aura by rubbing a small rock and associating a superstitious notion to it. I’m sure you’ll be a good mother.
5. Play Music
You guys remember when people were playing Beethoven to pregnant bellies in hopes of making their obviously genetically doomed offspring smarter? Do that but instead, play trap music. Let XXXTentacion’s music be the tracks of your womb. The sperm will never even approach the egg.
6. Spicy Food
Spice always clears my sinuses, so I figure it works the same way with a pregnancy.
7. And as always, masturbate
Forget relationships with partners that emit bodily fluids. Just call me Mrs. Hitachi Magic Wand.
