Turning civilization off and on again would be best bet
By Cazzy Lewchuk, Staff Writer
In response to the many system failures exhibited globally, world leaders have agreed to simply reboot the whole damn thing in the hopes of salvaging some of the programs.
Recent and escalating problems repeatedly damaging the system include (but are not limited to): terrorism; climate change; civil unrest; the largest refugee crisis in history; a rise in nationalism, xenophobia, and racism; a collapsing global economy; an environment damaged beyond repair; Donald Trump; and the renewal of 2 Broke Girls and The Big Bang Theory for yet another season.
Earth’s most powerful people—including Barack Obama, Justin Trudeau, Vladimir Putin, Pope Francis, the Dalai Lama, Ellen DeGeneres, Elon Musk, Mark Zuckerburg, Kim Kardashian, Kanye West, and the Premier of China, whose name nobody really remembers or cares about—have entered into an agreement with the mysterious behind-the-scenes Illuminati. It was unanimously agreed that concepts like democracy simply weren’t working anymore.
“Whoever thought giving the common people the power, I want some of whatever they were smoking,” Trudeau explained in a press statement at the local Tim Hortons. “Massive war, ethnic conflicts—even the coffee here tastes a lot worse than it used to. When MY father was in charge…” he began, before literally everyone in the restaurant lost interest.
It was widely agreed the best option for fixing the planet would be a mass reboot, taking a cue from how the entertainment industry treats their franchises.
“It’s been ten thousand years since we evolved into modern Homo sapiens and the whole time it’s been nothing but shit,” billionaire Elon Musk telepathically communicated, while floating in a higher plane of existence far outside of the simulation we know as reality. “There’s been some good ideas. I mean, have you seen that Internet? There are so many naked ladies on there! But it’s time to try existence all over again.”
Various methods have been deliberated on as the best way to reboot all of humanity’s existence. Despite the Pope’s best efforts and phone calls, God was unavailable or simply unwilling to destroy all of the universe. Several of the attendees—led by Ellen—gave their votes to the possibility of existence being given away as a prize on TV, but the idea was shot down when they realized that nobody really watches cable anymore. British Prime Minister David Cameron proposed a referendum be held on the issue, but was quickly tackled and led away by security.
Eventually, Obama, Putin, and the Chinese Premier came up with the best solution, influenced by the suggestions of Obama’s advisor, Dr. Strangelove.
Effective at exactly 12:37 p.m. today, the approximately 16,000 nuclear warheads owned by the major superpowers worldwide will all be detonated. The resulting explosion will murder the entire world’s population, and in the same stroke, create a wasteland inaccessible for any vertebrate for centuries to come. It is speculated that this will result in a much better universe without humans in it to create terrible things like nuclear warheads.
Preliminary reports from the afterlife suggest that humanity will be condemned to the void for all eternity, with the possible exception of Bernie Sanders, who will ascend to Heaven.