Whatever to banging; do you have a pool or a dog?
By Richard Dick, Contributor
Tinder, Pure, Grindr, Down, Happn, Once, Her, and a million other goofy namesâall these apps just prove that there is an endless market of people trying to infomercial sell you on their genitals. ShamWow? Sham this dick. Itâs 100x more absorbent.
These casual sexual relationships are usually referred to as a âfriends with benefitsâ situation, and while sex is nice and all, I find that this term is terribly under utilized. Bumping uglies should not be the benefit. Like, have you ever had a wealthy friend with a pool AND a hot mom who cut you up little exotic rich-people fruit slices? That is a benefit I am looking for again in my adult life. Just a PSAâdonât use your friends, use your brain to befriend the right people with the best benefits. Here is a list of the friends with benefits Iâd like to see advertising their services on craigslist instead of all that dank penis.
1) Friend with cabin benefits
I donât care if youâre into spellcasting or if your grandma is a witch; if you have a tight cabin in the middle of the woods I absolutely will party with you. I will even pose for selfies that you can caption âout with the bestie.â If thereâs a lake, I might just sell you my soul.
 2) Friend with textbook benefits
Try to meet someone who is in the same major as you but maybe one year ahead of youâthat way you can buy all the books of the courses theyâve already done. Itâs SO much better than trying to track down a textbook through Facebook and getting emotionally ghosted. Itâs exhausting and more tolling than getting ghosted on a date. I can totally get if you donât want to bang or date, thatâs cool, but WHY canât I buy your book??? What did I do wrong???
3) Friend with health benefits
Nothing solidifies a pairâs bond like getting your teeth cleaned routinely together.
4) Friend with pet benefits
Whenever I walk on the street and see a dog, I only make eye contact with the dog. I can always feel the owner staring at me, anticipating eye contact, but I never look up. This is between me and this dog here. We are clearly having a moment. Is there anyway I could avoid a relationship with you but enjoy a great friendship with your dog?
5) Friend with home cooking benefits
If you meet a person who has family that can cook, sink your claws into them before they can get away. A level five friendship must be achieved before you can meet their parents though, so this one is a commitment, but it is well worth it. Youâre basically visiting the most exclusive restaurant to have ever existed.
6) Friend with friend benefits
Okay, I might just need a friend.