Friends with different types of benefits

Illustration by Janis McMath

Whatever to banging; do you have a pool or a dog?
By Richard Dick, Contributor


Tinder, Pure, Grindr, Down, Happn, Once, Her, and a million other goofy names—all these apps just prove that there is an endless market of people trying to infomercial sell you on their genitals. ShamWow? Sham this dick. It’s 100x more absorbent.

These casual sexual relationships are usually referred to as a “friends with benefits” situation, and while sex is nice and all, I find that this term is terribly under utilized. Bumping uglies should not be the benefit. Like, have you ever had a wealthy friend with a pool AND a hot mom who cut you up little exotic rich-people fruit slices? That is a benefit I am looking for again in my adult life. Just a PSA—don’t use your friends, use your brain to befriend the right people with the best benefits. Here is a list of the friends with benefits I’d like to see advertising their services on craigslist instead of all that dank penis.

1) Friend with cabin benefits

I don’t care if you’re into spellcasting or if your grandma is a witch; if you have a tight cabin in the middle of the woods I absolutely will party with you. I will even pose for selfies that you can caption “out with the bestie.” If there’s a lake, I might just sell you my soul.

 2) Friend with textbook benefits

Try to meet someone who is in the same major as you but maybe one year ahead of you—that way you can buy all the books of the courses they’ve already done. It’s SO much better than trying to track down a textbook through Facebook and getting emotionally ghosted. It’s exhausting and more tolling than getting ghosted on a date. I can totally get if you don’t want to bang or date, that’s cool, but WHY can’t I buy your book??? What did I do wrong???


3) Friend with health benefits

Nothing solidifies a pair’s bond like getting your teeth cleaned routinely together.


4) Friend with pet benefits

Whenever I walk on the street and see a dog, I only make eye contact with the dog. I can always feel the owner staring at me, anticipating eye contact, but I never look up. This is between me and this dog here. We are clearly having a moment. Is there anyway I could avoid a relationship with you but enjoy a great friendship with your dog?


5) Friend with home cooking benefits

If you meet a person who has family that can cook, sink your claws into them before they can get away. A level five friendship must be achieved before you can meet their parents though, so this one is a commitment, but it is well worth it. You’re basically visiting the most exclusive restaurant to have ever existed.


6) Friend with friend benefits

Okay, I might just need a friend.