Animals give their take on the current event

Most believe it’s bad, but what are their reasons?
By QQ S. O’Doherty, Contributor

Being multilingual has amazing benefits: a stronger brain which ages slower, improved education development, better cognitive function, easier travel, and so much more. For me, however, the best benefit is being fluent in all 13,284 animal languages because I can communicate with the folk most separated from human conversation. Everything we do affects animals, so we should be putting effort into learning their opinions on our human activities and respecting them enough to act so no human, pigeon, iguana, or rhinoceros receives the short end of the stick.

Recently, there’s been a huge change in the tide. The current event has taken human society and the animal kingdom by storm. My personal take is that while humans may feel that the current event is good, animals have been around far longer than us. Their wisdom may inform us of what this event really means for our future. Thus, I have interviewed a few local animals to let me know what they think.

First, I did a balcony interview with Sir Ckccckcc AAaAaA—a neighborhood crow—on his thoughts. “What is your take on the current event?” I asked Sir AAaAaA. He pecked around the scattered pine needles for a while, seeming lost in thought. He paused and closed his eyes a moment, pondering.

“This current event is bad,” Sir AAaAaA began, “it’s worse than we—my family and I—could have ever imagined! Well, besides KaaakcAwW, anyway,” he said.

“Oh, that’s terrible! May I ask who KaaakcAwW is, Sir?” I asked. Sir AAaAaA seemed annoyed by my question, indicating that I may have struck a nerve.

“KaaakcAwW is my fourteenth daughter. She loves the current event. I must go now.” Sir AAaAaA flies off before I get the chance to thank him for his time.

I thought about this last interview a lot for the next week, rarely eating or sleeping. Whenever I lay down, I would see flashbacks to the crow’s eyes darkening as he thought about the current event, and occasionally I would awaken, screaming, having seen a montage of Sir AAaAaA flying off. What wasn’t he telling me? Exactly a week later—my own feathers ruffled—I sat down at Robson Park to meet with the park’s chief beaver, Julian (last name not included for privacy reasons).

“Hello Julian, thank you so much for meeting with me,” I began, making sure to offer my gratitude early in case this interview also came to an abrupt ending. “I must ask, what is your take on the current event?”

“Ah, Mr. O’Doherty, you’ve come to the right place,” they said, “I will admit the current event is bad… and it’s not usually good.”

“Why do you think that is?” I asked.

Julian looked scornful, “Haven’t you read the news? They said it, so it’s true! The current event is bad. What, have you been living under a dam?”

Unsure of how to proceed with the interview, I thank Julian again and go on my way. For my final interview I decided to reach out to the other side of the globe to gain a broader perspective. Laerie, a red fox currently based in Poland (though, she described herself as a naturalist world wanderer), accepted my invitation for a Zoom interview.

Laerie began speaking as soon as the call started. “The current event, huh?” she slammed her paws on her table, “oh, I’ll tell you about the current event—it is good!” I ask Laerie for some clarification on why she believes that, when most of her fellow animals are ruthlessly against it.

“Oh, you’re asking if the current event is good for animals?” Laerie laughs for a few moments, “No, no, no, the current event is bad. Bad for animals, anyway. I love it though!” Laerie grins.

I ask, “Why do you love it if it is bad for animals?”

“When there’s chaos, the weaklings suffer. And when weaklings are at their most vulnerable, that’s an easy dinner!”

Disturbed, I ended the interview shortly after Laerie was done bragging about the various “foods” she’s had among her many travels. I’ve spoken to some vastly different animals, and while their reasons may have been different, the general consensus it seems is that, yes, the current event is bad.