How to get anyone to want you

The art of seduction
By Sonam Kaloti, Arts Editor

No one likes an activist outside of social media.

Seducing someone is easy, especially in the age of COVID. Don’t believe me? Think about it. You can hide your body in a hazmat suit, no questions asked, and you can hide your face behind a mask, and no one can hear your true voice. If we’re lucky, we might not be able to hear you at all (but for seducing purposes, please project a little louder). Not to mention the winter darkness to blind your object of attraction further. What better odds do you have? 

To seduce someone nowadays, you’ve really got to put the work into your personality to shine through. Let’s assume yours is utter garbage, though. Not saying it is—but let’s just go by that. 

First things first—you need to look sexy. I’m talking “I can’t believe I just set this room on actual fire just because I’m that hot” sexy. Ignore the arson in the corner, it’s your time to shine. 

Draw a lip bite on your mask. Apparently, you can buy these if you’re lazy, but people love an artist so show off those skills. While you’re at it, implant a $24-million-dollar pink diamond in your forehead. If you don’t have the kind of money to be a Vision lookalike, you might not get the Scarlett Johansson of your dreams, though. Sorry, I don’t make the rules. 

Next, dress sexy. If I had a dollar for how many times I’ve been yelled at by strangers on the street with “Don’t you know it’s winter? Put some pants on!” I’d have enough money to buy the pink diamond myself. Alas, I’ll have to settle for free heckling. As they say, bad publicity is still publicity, and the public is merely jealous their legs aren’t as sexy as yours. So, regardless of gender, put on those fishnets and dazzle the public! If you’re male presenting, that’s even better! Throw on some black nail polish and every art student will fall to their knees. 

We’ve got to do something about that voice… not just because you sound muffled and nasally. Hide in a washroom and blow your nose, please. Don’t do it in public because we all know how it feels to be gawked at for seeming like you might have COVID (if you didn’t know this already—don’t cough either. It’s a death trap. Just choke and sputter, I promise it’s better than the glares.) Speak loud and clear, but don’t yell. You don’t need to beg for attention, you need to command it. If you can, speak in a lower, slow drawl, just quiet enough to make your crush have to lean in a bit to hear you, but not enough that they invade your two-meter bubble. Protect the bubble at all costs, until you’re in bed and sure that you want this person in your small circle. There’s a trial period: use it. Make them want you. 

Now, it depends where you are when you’re trying to seduce someone. At school? Don’t seem dumb and don’t talk about current events. No one likes an activist outside of social media. Instead, just stare at them. What better way to get someone’s attention? When they ask, “What do you want?” reply with “You, baby.” Done. Seduction guaranteed. 

If you’re at the grocery store, ask them to reach for something on the high shelf. You’re so tiny! Aw! Little baby cannot reach! They’ll think you’re so cute and need their protection, then you hit them with the “Oh my gosh I just got this new phone and I have no idea where the contacts app is. Could you add your number to show me?” Seduced—easy. 

Prefer to small talk instead? Then say, “Wow this is such a harsh winter! My bed is so cold…” There’s nothing anybody wants more than to warm up another lump of flesh. It’s proven science. 

Everyone is lonely during COVID, so your chances of successful seduction are greater now than ever. Stand tall, wear a mask, manifest sexy, and get ready to dazzle.