By Madame Mystique
Capricorn
(12/22-1/19)
I know midterms can be stressful, but they’re nothing compared to midterm nightmares. You dream that today’s the day of the big exam, but your parents tell you to forget about class and go help your insane uncle pick lilies on his giant cactus farm. Then you wake and realize you forgot to study symbolism for your in-class essay.
Aquarius
(1/20-2/18)
Living your dreams isn’t that much fun—especially when you dream about showing up to class naked. To make things worse, the class is in a lecture hall and you volunteered to teach today.
Pisces
(2/19-3/20)
Looking to do something meaningless to take the edge off of school? Then try and learn palm reading! You and your friends will be absolutely bored within five minutes, guaranteed!
Aries
(3/21-4/19)
You need to hone your intuition. Those people on the street wearing animal-print pants, claiming to have all the right answers to every midterm seem a bit suspicious and imaginary.
Taurus
(4/20-5/20)
Use your creativity to build British Columbia out of toothpicks and tweezers. This experience will surely be rewarding to your mind. For an extra challenge, try building British Columbia out of toothpicks that are on fire.
Gemini
(5/21-6/21)
The Internet is a great tool for improving your creativity. Did you know that some people get paid money to write horoscopes? What an awful job. Now, imagine that you lived in a world where those horoscopes always came true and psychics were paid higher than actors. Someone ought to write that idea down…
Cancer
(6/22-7/22)
Why don’t you switch up your routine and go play a rousing game of capture the flag with the neighbourhood children? It’s all fun and games until the adults think you’re a pedophile and phone the authorities to report you.
Leo
(7/23-8/22)
Nobody’s happy flipping burgers at McDonald’s for the rest of their lives. That’s why you need to work hard and get a good education, so that one day you’ll be the well-dressed executive who yells at the McDonald’s employees for not serving breakfast after 11 a.m.
Virgo
(8/23-9/22)
Change can be scary. The realization that you brought a poorly-researched edition for your history textbook to every class is frightening. Well, at least you know that Christopher Columbus came to America to celebrate the fourth of July.
Libra
(9/23-10/22)
Your life will mean nothing a hundred years from now. Until then, just try and carry on with your life. Maybe you could dream about being famous.
Scorpio
(10/23-11/21)
Let your instincts guide you and sniff every person you encounter today. If they yell at you, roll over on your back and whimper.
Sagittarius
(11/22-12/21)
Don’t lie to yourself. Everyone can see it, so why not you? We all know that you’re in love with an orange bulldozer.