Quitting cold turkey

Addicts crave Thanksgiving leftovers

By Cazzy Lewchuk, Staff Writer

Dozens of local citizens are being admitted into a rehabilitation clinic after overdosing on the latest addictive substance to sweep the nation: Thanksgiving leftovers. While primarily a seasonal abuse, reports of leftovers addiction can come at any time of the year. However, with Thanksgiving, special attention must be given due to the extremely pleasant sensation one gets when indulging in such pleasures.

“I ate nothing but leftovers right out of the fridge for a week!” said Mandy Guthrie, a local housewife and recovering addict. “It’s just so much effort to cook after making that enormous meal and I was already so tired… The carbs gave me a burst of energy, but the turkey knocked me out for days afterwards.”

Guthrie is currently being treated at the Rockefeller Diet Addictions Centre by renowned Paleo dietician Dr. Glenn Rockefeller.

Dr. Rockefeller explained to the Other Press the appeal of Thanksgiving leftovers addiction: “Although holidays always present a risk for consumption, Thanksgiving is especially dangerous. The entire point of this holiday is to eat—seriously, I have no idea why we celebrate it in Canada. It’s a month early and it’s all cold and we have nothing to do but eat. I’m telling you, Paleo is the only way to go. I’ve gained so much muscle… Oh yes, where was I? Right. In this feast celebration, sweet and succulent foods make their way to the palate. Potential eaters have already been cooking all day, drinking alcoholic beverages, spending time with family members, smoking lots and lots of marijuana… All these activities, while quite harmless, make you extra susceptible to hunger. One full meal is enough to cause a two-hour nap, and leftovers pose even more of a threat due to their availability. Sure, you might think that if you don’t eat them someone else will, or that one piece of pumpkin pie isn’t enough to cause an addiction, but you’d be wrong.”

All patients suffering from leftovers withdrawal are on a strict Paleo diet. No more poultry, potatoes, stuffing, or pumpkin pie.

The strict preventative diet seems to be hurting some more than others. Although all patients have been experiencing the usual symptoms of losing weight while gaining more energy, developing healthier eating habits, and having more free time, not everyone is as cheerful as Guthrie now is.

Joe Schmidt gave this for comment after being pressed: “I… I don’t know why I’m here. Is this a real clinic? Is he even a real doctor? What newspaper are you from again? I’m not a drug addict! I just ate leftovers for two days because there was nothing else in the house! I spent my food money on an ounce of weed! I’m being held here against my will.”

It appears leftovers detox seems to be working steadily for everyone involved. Scientists predict future chronic addictions may include Halloween candy and Christmas cake.