America votes, candidate wins!

Half the country incredibly upset, other half joyous and relieved

By Rebecca Peterson, Humour Editor

The ballots have been cast and the votes are in. On November 8, an election for the history books came to a nail-biting finish, and one thing is absolutely certain: There will be a new president of the United States sworn in next year.

The race itself was a close one. Many states voted in ways that people did not expect them to. Others maintained patterns held for decades. Most people either voted for the Democratic party, or the Republican one. Some people voted for third party members, but not a single third party member won, that’s for sure. Neither did Bernie Sanders, who has spent many weeks begging his fervent “Bernie or Bust” supporters not to write his name in on the ballot. These fans were so inspired by Bernie, however, and so dedicated to his cause, that they completely ignored him and did the stupid thing anyway.

The results of the election have been met with mixed reviews across the country. Some claim that this election proves democracy still functions in America, and that American values won out over tyranny and oppression. Others say that this election proves democracy is completely broken, and that the people as a whole must now rise up against the blatant tyranny and oppression this new government is about to enforce upon its people. The media is largely blamed for everything either way.

New foreign correspondence reporter Hazel Dee collected the following quotes from American voters:

“Am I disappointed? Of course I’m disappointed. I voted for my party, and Lord knows the candidate wasn’t my first choice. Still, I would have preferred our candidate over who we wound up with.”

“I’m very, very excited! This is going to change so much for America. I mean, this is historic in every sense of the word, isn’t it? We’ve never had a candidate like this win before! It’s going to be a wonderful example of what we can achieve, for so many people.”

“I don’t really see a choice here. This is just disastrous. Already lines are being drawn up, and it feels like war’s brewing. Can’t you feel it? There’s a fuck-ton of guns in America. This is gonna go south pretty fast.”

“I voted for Gary Johnson, so…”

“I think we were all gearing up for some kind of apocalypse? It just reminds me of the Y2K crisis all over again. Everyone thinking the world was going to end, and then it didn’t, and it was business as usual. The country’s still running, the lights are still on, and no one’s launched the nukes yet, so what’s the big deal?”

“WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE SWEET GOD IN HEAVEN WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE.”

It’s clear that the fallout from this election—currently figurative, potentially imminently literal—will have large and transformative repercussions for years to come. The next four years, to be exact.