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Douglas hosts interstellar diplomacy seminar

By Adam Tatelman, Staff Writer

Students interested in theoretical astrophysics, xenobiology, and space travel will be pleased to hear that Douglas College is hosting a Starfleet Academy transfer program. To raise interest in the program, the Dean of Science and Technology booked Captain James Tiberius Kirk of the Starship Enterprise to speak to students this morning on the subject of interstellar diplomacy.

Shortly after the Starship Enterprise parked on the roof of the college, Kirk beamed into the concourse in dramatic fashion. Because he was being played by Chris Pine for this appearance, a number of young women fainted on the spot. Luckily, most were caught by their boyfriends, so there were no serious injuries.

Hundreds of students were gathered on the concourse steps and balconies by the time the lecture began. “There are three keys to diplomacy,” began Kirk, “on this planet or any other. The first is, no matter what, never admit that you’re wrong. It doesn’t matter what you’re arguing about. You’re always right, they’re always wrong, and they have to respect that.”

“The second key is to always take the moral high ground. Even if you did something questionable to the people you’re negotiating with—blew up one of their ships, maybe—it doesn’t matter. They probably did something even worse to you. And besides, even if they didn’t, you can always make something up.

“Finally, try to get in bed with a member of the royal family if you can. Your superiors will probably tell you that interpersonal relationships can confuse negotiations, but I’ve been a Starfleet Captain for years and it’s always worked for me. The closer you get to the seat of power, the more likely it is they’ll listen to you, so it just makes sense to get as close as you possibly can.”

Following thunderous applause from the student body, Kirk beamed back up to the Enterprise. Before leaving, he promised free uniforms for all students who register for the program early. Oddly, one student mentioned that he couldn’t find his girlfriend after the event. “It’s weird,” he said, befuddled, “I never saw her leave…”

The Starfleet Academy Transfer Program is slated to launch in late 2264. Tuition starts at 10,000 Federation Credits, mostly to cover the cost of cryogenic stasis tubes for students, and compensation for the bereaved family members being left behind. The Registrar’s Office confirms that seats in this inaugural program are filling fast!