Modern practices demolish Santa’s workshop
By Cazzy Lewchuk, Staff Writer
Kris Kringle (often known as Father Christmas or Santa Claus), the keystone businessman and supplier of happiness for millions of children worldwide, has announced bankruptcy. In a stunning move that came just three weeks before his annual distribution, Santa has announced plans to dissolve his entire organization and retire to the Philippines.
“I just can’t keep up with the demand and production anymore,” Mr. Claus announced in a press statement delivered by Rudolph. “Those children want too much from me these days. I used to get away with delivering a couple dolls or trucks—do you know what those entitled little snots want now? IPads. PS4s. Little Tommy in Tennessee asked me for a 3-D TV. Do you know what it costs to build one of those in my workshop?”
Santa went on to complain about the wage increases recently demanded by the elf union: “I used to get away with cutting costs by paying that race in glitter and cookies. But ever since Bernard in electronics watched Norma Rae, they’ve been demanding things like “money” and “breaks.” Do you know how much that’ll cost me?” (Mr. Kringle’s current net worth is produced by magic and therefore estimated to be infinite.)
Economics aren’t the only factor hurting Santa’s business. Competition, a rising demand, and environmental regulations have also contributed to the decline of the trade.
“The parents used to rely on me to deliver those hard-to-find items. I provided overnight express delivery—and all I asked for was some damn milk and cookies. Now those fat cats at Amazon offer free express shipping—Mr. Christie be damned!” Santa paused in his speech to wipe whiskey from his beard. “And it’s not just the Christian kids expecting visits from me anymore. An increased secular and globalized society means they’re ALL celebrating Christmas. I have to go to entire countries I never hit before now!”
Environmental regulators of Finland, Canada, the USA, and Norway—all countries Santa has claimed to live in before—are also on his case. Spokesman G. Rinch explained: “We’ve been on Mr. Claus’ case for quite some time now. Not only has he failed to release an environmental impact statement for his entire business, he has failed to comply with emission regulations for his sleigh, which he drives thousands of kilometres each year.”
When asked for comment, Santa could only mutter “Thanks, Trudeau.”
Children and naive adults worldwide are concerned about what Santa refusing his services means for Christmas. Fortunately, door crasher Black Friday sales, online-only specials, Christmas paycheque bonuses, and the omnipresent 24/7 availability of Wal-Mart ensures we’ll still have a good Christmas this year. Santa Claus may be gone, but Stable Consumerism is alive and well.