BC government budgets $210 million for newer, faster ferries

Right-wing pundits fly off the handle

By Jake Wray, News Editor

John Horgan’s NDP government has set aside $210 million to build three new ships for BC Ferries, the premier announced at a press conference.

The BC Ferries fleet is full of aging, cumbersome vessels, according to Horgan, who said his government plans to open bids to BC companies in order to bolster the province’s shipbuilding industry. One of the key features of the new ferries, Horgan said, is that they will be much faster.

“What could go wrong?” Horgan asked. “We are confident that the project will come in under budget.”

Claire Trevena, minister of transportation and infrastructure, said at the press conference that faster ships will drastically reduce ferry wait times and “make life better” for British Columbians.

“Nobody likes missing a sailing and being forced to wait five hours on the inhospitable ferry terminal tarmac,” she said. “We belong to a civilization that has a space station orbiting Earth. People have walked on the moon. It shouldn’t take an entire two hours to sail from Vancouver to Victoria.”

After the funding announcement, right-wing pundits and opposition politicians “totally lost their shit” according to sources. Over the next few hours they clamoured over one another, sometimes literally, to get in front of a camera or a microphone for a chance to decry the ferry funding announcement.

“Fast ferries? FAST FERRIES?!” cried Todd Stone, a Liberal MLA and former minister of Transportation and Infrastructure. “By GOD, how could they forget the doom that always froths in the wake of FAST FERRIES?!”

Amy Bowl, a professor of Economics at Langara College, said she doubts $210 million will be enough to purchase three ferries.

“That budget might have flown in the ’90s, but it’s a totally unfeasible projection in today’s markets,” she said. “Perhaps the government should consider outsourcing production of the ferries to Mexico, Yemen, India, or even Saudi Arabia.”

Just before press time, sources said former BC Premier Gordon Campbell had fallen to his knees and began cursing the heavens.