David’s Tea co-owner finds himself in hot water

Photo by Analyn Cuarto
Photo by Analyn Cuarto

Kitsilano’s David Tea staff calls authorities after David makes scene

By Klara Woldenga, Humour Editor

The customers and staff at the David’s Tea location in Kitsilano were given quite a surprise yesterday when the co-owner of the company, the titular David, arrived without notice to the location. According to witnesses, David entered the store late afternoon Tuesday, September 12, looking tired and agitated.

“It was a huge surprise to see him in person, considering he lives in Montreal,” stated Brittany Wong, manager of the Kitsilano store location. But as Wong got a closer look at David, she noticed something was off. “He just looked like he had been up all night, or something, and had dark circles under his eyes.”

According to witnesses, several customers who recognized David tried to take selfies with him, but quickly backed away as David became more agitated and refused.

“It was really weird,” said Mark Jackson, self-identified tea leaf enthusiast. “I mean, who wouldn’t want a whole bunch of people mobbing them and asking for photos? We buy his dry leaves; he should allow us to take a photograph of him whenever we ask. It’s the law.”

It is reported that, after rejecting the customer’s legal right to selfies, David began to run around the store in a panic, grabbing tins of tea from the customer’s hands while yelling “Give me back my tea! It’s mine! That’s why it’s called David’s Tea! They wouldn’t have called it that if it didn’t belong to me!” After taking as many tins and tiny samples as he could carry, witnesses report that David jumped over the counter, then began making a large pile of tea in the corner of the store while drinking all of his collected samples. Wong tried to calm David down, but was unsuccessful.

“I tried to offer him a cup of our newest line of calming tea ‘Gentle Precious Geisha Rose Petal’ to relax him, but the offer just seemed to make him angrier,” stated Wong.

It was when David began to yell legal threats and wave around tea cozies that Wong decided to call the authorities, fearing for the safety of herself and the customers.

“I didn’t want to call the cops on him, he’s technically my boss after all,” stated Wong. “But there are just some things tea can’t fix—don’t tell my supervisor I said that.”

At approximately 4 p.m. the police arrived and arrested David for causing a disturbance. On Thursday, September 14, David held a press conference in Vancouver and issued the following public statement explaining his actions:

“On Saturday, September 9, I came to Vancouver to visit family. That evening I was offered a drink I did not recognize. It was warm, black in colour and made from—sorry, let me check my notes. Beans? Who the hell makes drinks out of beans? Anyway, the drink, which I have been told is called ‘coffee,’ did not react well with my system. I wasn’t able to sleep for two and a half days. This lack of sleep caused my brain to misfire. On Tuesday, I headed to the nearest David’s Tea, hoping to grab some of our newest line of calming tea, ‘Gentle Precious Geisha Rose Petal,’ to help me relax. Unfortunately, once I arrived I was so disoriented, I completely forgot how commerce worked. I apologize for any disturbance I may have caused, but I will not apologize for my passion for tea.”

David hopes to turn the substance, “coffee,” into a diluted tea-based drink, stating that “It’s an interesting substance, but way too powerful for human consumption in the raw state it’s in.”

David will be returning to the Kitsilano David Tea location on Friday, September 22, between the hours of 12 p.m. and 5 p.m. to honour his legal obligation of taking selfies with the public.