The hauntingly accurate news
By Ruth Cho, Weather & Spirit Séance Reader
This week at Douglas College, students reported seeing giant mutant rats in the first floor bathrooms. One student said, “They were over a foot long, had glowing red eyes, and came out from the sewers.” There were no comments about the yellow puddles on the floor. Janitorial staff have assured us that there is no such thing as giant mutant rats, and that what the students probably just saw ghost rats. To solve the problem, they have introduced a ghost cat, and say that the problem should be eRATicated within the next week.
Multiple students have also reported that the north elevator will occasionally hesitate, make an odd creak and clunk sound, take the rider to the wrong floor, and ooze green slime from the walls. They say that the elevator sometimes stops at the eighth floor, which does not exist. It stops, the doors stay closed for a minute, then the elevator goes down and takes the passengers to the correct floor. Security denies any such activity from the elevator, and says that anyone saying otherwise is a liar and imagining things.
Earlier this week, there were reports of a strange occurrence in the library. Electronic screens in the room flickered on and off for about five minutes before restarting while some emitted a sound that, according to witnesses, was “like someone breaking through the veil between our world and the next.” Teachers would like to remind students that if they lost any work on the library’s computers, it does not excuse them from the due date and professors will not extend the deadline. Meeting these deadlines is, of course, made all the more difficult now that the past is colliding with the present, causing timetospeedupreallyfast. Not only is typing essays accurately nearly impossible (Editor’s Note: we’d like to apologize for any typographical errors resulting from the past-present collision), but many students have aged beyond their years at a rapid rate.
“It’s even worse for me,” says the now 90-year-old student Connor Heissen. “I used to be ripped. Like, I had a six-pack and everything. Now I seem to… Where am I again?”
Everyone suffered ill effects from the recent time terror, but the nursing students seem to be happy with all the new dependants to take care of.
“Actually, this old fart used to be my boyfriend,” says Katrina Mamitas, nursing student, gesturing at an octogenarian attempting to feed himself beans.