BREAKING NEWS: This guy’s coming in for a fist bump

‘Put ‘er there, brother,’ he said
By Jessica Berget, Editor-in-Chief


You never expect this kind of thing to happen in your own backyard. Eyewitnesses at the scene confirmed yesterday at exactly 1:08 pm as you were leaving work and saying goodbye to your coworkers, one of your superiors positioned his fist in front of you, apparently expecting you to hit it back with your fist.

Sources say this is what is known as a “fist bump,” a “bro fist,” “respect knuckles,” or “hitting the rock.” It is a common yet brutish form of greeting, and it’s coming right for you.

Reporters at the Other Press asked what was going through your head during this pivotal moment. “As I looked down at his expectant hand clenched into a fist and slowly making it’s way towards me, I thought ‘Oh God, is he really coming at me with a fist bump right now? What does he expect me to do with that? Bump it back?’” You said. “I’m not the type who regularly just bumps fists with someone else. What am I supposed to do? I can’t just leave him hanging. That’s not a part of the ‘bro constitution’ or whatever the rules are called.”

Witnesses on the scene were also perplexed by the greeting. This guy has never propositioned you or anyone else for a fist bump before, so why now? One passerby, Jenna Tools, claimed that “a pat on the back or a simple ‘goodbye,’ or ‘have a nice day’ would have sufficed.”

You wanted to avoid it, but he gave it to you so confidently there was nothing you can do. Bystanders watched on in horror as you slowly lowered your fist to match it with his and bumped your skin together. After contact was made, he congratulated you on a job well done. “Good work today, horse,” he said. Whatever the fuck that means.