Breaking: Sports team does sport

Group of millionaires succeeds in defeating other group of millionaires

By Chandler Walter, Humour Editor

Wow! Holy! Excitement! Last night at the big building with a lot of seats, the sports team most closely adjacent to the place where you live or possibly grew up—or where your father possibly lived or grew up—defeated a team that represents a place where neither you nor your father ever lived!

It was a close one, with the group of grown men you’ve come to know and idolize working hard against another group of men that you know somewhat well, though not well enough to care for.

The other group of men seemed like they would be triumphant in the early part of the activity you used to play for fun when you were a kid. They managed to put the specific object in the specific scoring area to gain points that actual people wager actual money on in their actual lives. They gained a score that was a bad amount for the “good” group of men you were cheering for, though not enough of a score to warrant you becoming disinterested in the ultimate outcome!

Then, halfway through the game, one of the more prominent members of the group of men you like managed a feat of absolute heroics. He put the object in the designated place and scored points for the team that adjacently represents you!

It was really looking like the beginnings of a true underdog story. Just like all those movies you used to watch as a kid, that had heroes, and evil Russians, and the occasional dog or monkey. This real life thing was setting up to become exactly like that, and there was nothing more you would ever want in your entire life, nothing at all that could ever make you happier than this.

Nearing the end of the allotted time, what seemed like a miracle occurred. One of the men—a man who didn’t usually put the object in the space, and was generally in charge of keeping the object out of the bad space for the object to be—managed somehow to place the object in the good space! Tens of thousands of people who had spent upwards of 200 dollars each to witness this event occur in person were on their feet and smacking their hands in unison!

The man who had accomplished this feat was held in high regards for the entire rest of the night, and many somewhat poisonous beverages were bought and consumed in great celebration.