Image by Joel Mackenzie
Blatantly branded, non-alcoholic beer a no-no
By Eric Wilkins, Staff Writer
It was a casual poker night at a friend’s place. An opportunity to imbibe some liver-destroying liquids and laugh at the fact that playing such a brainless game was still the most likely way any of us were ever going to make it onto Sportsnet. Conversation was just getting started on how the box the pizza came in was likely more edible than the pizza itself when the last member of our party finally shuffled in. He plunked down a plastic bag and proceeded to pull out his beverage of choice for the evening. It was a curious-looking sixer. I’d never seen the brand before, and was about to inquire as to what it was when it hit me.
Tilting my increasingly inebriated self sideways, I could clearly read the four letters climbing the side of his cans: MADD. He had brought non-alcoholic beer. After the initial shock and a swallowed cry of horror had passed, the expected ribbing ensued, and then, shortly after—for attention spans are ever so short—we shifted our focus more or less back to the game.
Honestly though, MADD beer? While I know this particular felon chose such a conspicuous non-alcoholic monstrosity on purpose so as to get a reaction out of us, I was completely flabbergasted when I realized that there are people out there who drink that stuff with a straight face. To be clear, I have no issue with people abstaining from alcohol. In fact, I have the utmost respect for those who manage to keep even a drop of that heavenly fluid from passing down their throats. However, is there really a need for people to make such a public proclamation of their alcoholic celibacy? With MADD emblazoned along your can, there isn’t a soul in the world that won’t know of your leanings. It’s similar to your relationship status: if someone asks you, go ahead and tell them, but don’t start snogging in the middle of the street.
If you’re truly curious, feel free to head to http://canstore.maddvirgindrinks.com to have a peek. There’s a whole line of virgin drinks, including wines and cocktails. It’s terrifying. Yes, part of the proceeds do go towards MADD, but that’s not the point.
Non-alcoholic beer is a curious thing in and of itself. Why do people drink it? If it’s just to fit in, then MADD is, as beaten to death above, a poor choice. If it’s because they really can’t drink, but enjoy the taste of beer, I feel intense pity for them. It’s a miserable substitute. Perhaps I just haven’t had a good one yet, or maybe it’s because I know it’s not real beer, but I’ve always found them to be a far cry from their genuine counterparts.
Non-alchies, grab an O’Doul’s or some other type of alcohol-free beer—it’s really not hard to find a decently disguised virgin drink. But please, for the love of god, don’t proudly parade about with your miserable MADD excuse for beer. It’s embarrassing for all of us.
