An interview with an expert on stockpiling supplies
By Caroline Ho, Web Editor
Overwhelmed by news about coronavirus outbreaks and the frantic stocking up on supplies? Worried that you’re going to run out of toilet paper at any minute now? Fortunately for our dear panicked readers, the Other Press sat down with Erma Gideon, Vice President of the Homeowners Organization of Accumulating Reserves for Disasters (HOARD), to talk about the best strategies for surviving a quarantine and/or apocalypse.
OP: How severe do you think the coronavirus situation will get?
HOARD: On a scale of “it’s too sunny to step outside” to “full-blown nuclear winter,” I rate this two points above a “man, I am too hungover to put on pants.”
OP: Has your organization anticipated a disaster of this magnitude happening?
HOARD: If I say yes, does that give me the right to crack “hindsight 2020” jokes?
OP: What’s the best thing to stock up on?
HOARD: Don’t bother with those plebeian goods like toilet paper or non-perishable foods—those are for sheeple. No, the real pro tip is to go for greeting cards.
OP: … Why greeting cards?
HOARD: Because there’s one for absolutely every occasion and every relationship with another human being imaginable! Nothing says “I’m prepared for any and every possible world-ending scenario” like a card that expresses this precise state of mind to your best friend’s manager’s second ex-wife’s chiropractor, with just the right amount of emotional distance. Besides, have you seen how stupidly expensive those things are? $8 for a flimsy, glitter-covered piece of paper?? Better build up your stash before inflation puts them on par with, like, pine nuts.
OP: Where’s the best place to go buy supplies?
HOARD: Our number one recommendation is Costco, of course, like all the other sheeple. Sure, you may lose a few precious hours circling the parking lot, then fist-fighting fellow shoppers for a cart, only to finally get inside and discover that the entire warehouse is sold out of everything aside from XXL shirts and James Patterson novels, and you’ll almost certainly catch some kind of disease while you’re there amidst the crowd. However, you’ll more than make up for time lost in calories gained through the free samples.
OP: And how many days of supplies do you recommend we should have on hand?
HOARD: Well, medical professionals recommend that individuals who may be infected quarantine themselves for 14 days, so we multiply that by the world population of roughly 7.7 billion, and we get… 107,800,000,000 days, or about 295,000,000 years’ worth of supplies. You know, in case everyone needs to be quarantined.
OP: Wait, I don’t think that’s how time works—
HOARD: Hey, who’s the qualified expert here? Besides, HOARD has been practicing these methods for decades. Our members have survived through innumerable potential apocalypses, including Y2K and 2012. I mean, I haven’t seen or heard from most of them since they barricaded themselves underground at the turn of the century, but I’m sure they’re doing all right.
OP: Well, that’s all the questions we have today. Thank you for your thoughtful answers.
HOARD: Hey, thanks for taking the time to speak to me. Here’s a greeting card to express my gratitude!