Douglas’ declassified school survival guide

Photo illustration
Photo illustration

How to survive the summer semester

By Mercedes Deutscher, News Editor

Although most students are lucky enough to escape the cruel grasp of Douglas College between the months of May and August, a few unlucky students are left trapped upon the high hills of New Westminster and in the distant lands of Coquitlam.

Being in school during the summer semester can be scary. Long gone are the convenient meals of the cafeteria, replaced by barren silence and hunger. The professors that remain are devoid of care and unforgiving, looking to prey on those with the lowest GPA. The fountains return, posing a drowning hazard to the less aquatically inclined.

In such a jungle, how could a student hope to survive? Thankfully, a very friendly campus publication—that still publishes in the summer on a reduced schedule—has compiled a list of all techniques needed to survive.

A smart summer student never comes to school without basic breaking-and-entering skills. When the cafeteria is closed, one must take their hunger into their own hands. Perhaps that high-achieving Winter student got so focused on their finals that they left their sandwich unattended in their locker. Although not ideal, breaking into the locker could be the difference between life and death. Another nutrient-rich area may be the offices of vacationing professors. All professors eat almonds. All of them.

Shelter is the next critical matter. Ever spend 15 minutes in the Fall semester doing the lockdown drill? While the procedure may be useful for campus intruders, it also proves a handy skill when barricading yourself in a classroom for four months.

Being trapped in the school during the summer can lead to desperation and loneliness. One may attempt to mate with an old videocassette in the library or cuddle with a soft chair. These futile efforts will do nothing to help you ignore the growing void of nihilism and emptiness that comes with the realization that this semester will amount to nothing more than time that could have been spent working or going on vacation, and instead you’re stuck in a dark and dismal campus during a dark and dismal semester.

Readjusting to civilization once the Fall semester returns may be rough for students hardened by the unforgiving wilderness of the summer semester. One must resist the urge to chase new students across the concourse with a stick, or to over-feast on Triple O’s after a summer of starvation. However, like the injured pigeon, college students must too be reunited with their own kind after the healing process has taken place.