Drink addiction at epidemic level

Experts advise latte ban

By Cazzy Lewchuk, Staff Writer 

Self-proclaimed experts are describing an epidemic of venti-sized proportions during the holiday season. Although the pandemic often manifests during peak times such as Frappuccino Happy Hour week, the week of finals, and back to school mornings, it usually manages to burn itself out. However, this particular time of year suggests we could be stuck with the pandemic for months.

“The first sign it was really starting to spread was the social networking. All those heavily filtered Instagram pics of the red cups and I knew it was going to be overtime every night. Next thing I knew, the hashtags and Facebook statuses about how good they smelled came pouring in and our clinic has never been busier,” Dr. Valdez explains to the Other Press at Café de la Rehab, a designated hot and cold beverage-free zone.

He goes on to explain just how dangerous the unnamed pandemic is.

“Although the disease predominantly affects Caucasian upper middle class women aged 14-29, experts warn it can strike anyone at any time. Oh, it starts out with your wife picking you up a tall latte flavoured like eggnog. Next thing you know they suck you in by promising a second free one when you purchase a minty hot chocolate for your children, and soon you’re sipping a gingerbread latte twice a day.”

”Most of the patients are cured of their addictions after a few days, although the more severe cases must be kept off their iPhones so the social network images don’t trigger a relapse,” Dr. Valdez continues.

“Of course, we provide many alternatives. Lucky Strike cigarettes are the most popular, although many of our smaller patients have taken to the Oxycotin and Adderall dispensers as of late. Our lounge area here is also a great alternative hangout spot.”

One patient, a girl spreadeagled and eyes shut, is sprawled on a mat and dressed in yoga clothes. Valdez is quick to explain that yoga is not offered at this clinic.

“She’s just had her daily injection of morphine! It does wonders to ward off the complaints about needing coffee.”

Along with any mention of coffee shops—not just Starbucks—music played at lower than 90 per cent volume, or played by a band with more than four or fewer than three members have been banned.