‘Everyone has the right to life—especially zombies!’

Illustration by Ed Appleby
Illustration by Ed Appleby

Nouveau ‘pro-life’ activists argue for right to reanimate the dead

By Sharon Miki, Humour Editor

In a move that most analysts are describing as “confusing,” “gross,” and “fairly insane,” a group of self-proclaimed “neo-pro-life activists” are calling upon city hall to exhume long-buried graves in the hopes of giving everyone—even people who have been dead forever—a chance at life.

“We did our research, we watched Frankenstein,” said group leader Mary Chelley, 39. “Or at least … we watched most of it. Anyways, we figure if we’re alive, the least we can do is help some of these dead people try to be alive again, you know? We just need to get in the graves so we can figure out exactly how reanimation works.”

Critics of the group are calling the endeavour foolish and a bit creepy, and demand some sort of scientific evidence that their plan will do anything more than rattling old bones.

“I mean … sigh,” said critic Pinocchio Smith, 45. “I wish we could just exhume a few people to get these people to shut up about it—but part of me is a bit afraid that it will work and we’ll have a ‘walking dead’ situation on our hands. No one wins then!”

Aside from fears of reanimated corpses roaming the earth, many people have voiced concerns over the disrespect to the memory of those who have passed on.

“Are we so obsessed with emoticon and abbreviation culture that we’ve forgotten the real meaning of RIP? It doesn’t stand for ‘really insane plan’—let my great-grandma rest in peace. And let Abraham Lincoln RIP too,” cried Douglas College student and critic Sophia Film, 22.

Activists plan to stage a protest in which they dress up like Frankenstein’s monster and walk through the streets of their neighbourhoods; the event is scheduled for October 31.

“We’re really hoping to stand out, since we’ll be wearing costumes,” said Chelley.