Capricorn
(12/22-1/19)
Today you will be taped to a chair and be forced to watch a Maury marathon. Come on, we all know it’s your guilty pleasure.
Aquarius
(1/20-2/18)
When life expects to put a square peg in a round hole, don’t conform and put rectangle pegs in triangle holes instead.
Pisces
(2/19-3/20)
Appearances can be deceiving. For example, did you know that ball of fluff next to you is actually a huge sleeping rat?
Aries
(3/21-4/19)
Now would be a good time to start mapping out your life as an adult. Contrary to what you believe, beer pong is not an Olympic sport, so you can stop practicing.
Taurus
(4/20-5/20)
Today you will run naked through the streets proclaiming to have discovered calcium. Maybe you should quit whatever it is you’re smoking.
Gemini
(5/21-6/21)
Sometimes, it’s easier to think about food than the homework in your classes. This is probably why all your notebook papers have doodles of pizzas on them.
Cancer
(6/22-7/22)
Your life is going to change. Ten years from now you’ll be a Conservative who listens to soft rock.
Leo
(7/23-8/22)
It’s time to refill yourself. My advice? Go drink tons of pen ink. You’ll need the ink inside you for the semester.
Virgo
(8/23-9/22)
You would make an excellent judge. After all, you’ve always been partial to wearing black-and-red robes.
Libra
(9/23-10/22)
One person in your circle of friends will leave you forever. This person is your link to sanity and without him or her, you will go on a destructive rampage.
Scorpio
(10/23-11/21)
It can be hard to break old habits, but doing so will stop you from crowing like a rooster every sunrise.
Sagittarius
(11/22-12/22)
You always thought that your job was making you crazy. Maybe it’s a sign that you should stop volunteering at the psychiatric hospital.
With files from Livia Turnbull
