Capricorn
(12/22-1/19)
Love hurts when you’re in love with a knife. It’s also embarrassing to explain to the doctor how that knife got stuck in there.
[hr]
Aquarius
(1/20-2/18)
Hi, are you single? Well, I’ve got news for you! You’re still going to be in the friend zone.
[hr]
Pisces
(2/19-3/20)
Love makes the world go ‘round. Abusive relationships make the world go counter clockwise around the sun.
[hr]
Aries
(3/21-4/19)
By the power of the planets, your future career will be a middle school janitor. You’ve always had an aptitude for cleaning up poorly spelled vandalism.
[hr]
Taurus
(4/20-5/20)
You can be a star in my new documentary! It’s called Horoscopes and the Idiots Who Read Them. In fact, you’re being filmed right now! Yes, that fly on the wall is actually a camera.
[hr]
Gemini
(5/21-6/21)
You will have strange dreams tonight about the Angry Sun from Super Mario Brothers 3. Your dream will also have chickens with the wings of angels. It’s supposed to mean something mystical.
[hr]
Cancer
(6/22-7/22)
Good news! You have just been signed up to be a guest on Jersey Shore! Whatever you do, don’t use the hot tub there.
[hr]
Leo
(7/23-8/22)
You could spend much of your day working on end of semester projects, but more likely you’ll just end up watching reruns of Malcolm in the Middle.
[hr]
Virgo
(8/23-9/22)
If you’re single, you might want to join an online dating site. I’m sure that person brandishing that knife in her or her profile photo is very trustworthy!
[hr]
Libra
(9/23-10/22)
Today, your home will be host to an anime club. They’ll force you to watch Inuyasha all night long and make you choose your favourite pairing. You also have to fight to the death with the person that disagrees with your pairing of choice.
[hr]
Scorpio
(10/23-11/21)
Have you been reading romance novels lately? Well, you’re going to be disappointed when you find out that real life has a lot less product placement.
[hr]
Sagittarius
(11/22-12/22)
You will earn a lot of money as a dance major if you work three shifts at Chuck E. Cheese’s. You might want to keep hand sanitizer with you at all times.
*With files from Livia Turnbull.
