‘We hate women in a quaint, old-timey way’
By Isabelle Orr, Entertainment Editor
On May 15, the state of Alabama introduced an anti-abortion regulation that makes it illegal for people with uteruses access to safe abortions, with no exceptions for rape or incest, thanks to elected officials who are literally from the 18th century.
“Women’s bodies are not actually their bodies,” Clyde Chambers, sponsor of the abortion bill, announced to press last Thursday. “They actually belong to whatever man is nearest to them at the time.”
Chambers, like other men who do not possess uteruses, the means to produce a child, or any empathy for anyone but themselves, was happy and secure in the legislative decision.
“This is the best possible thing for society right now,” Chambers said. “People think that we should be focusing on climate change, or how humans have single-handedly run the Earth into the ground. But I disagree. We should be enforcing strict regulations on women because frankly, I am scared of them and the power that they wield.”
What most people don’t know? The men in charge of passing these laws are actually from the year 1776.
“My fellow lawmen and I found a small pool at the edge of an enchanted forest while we were out for a good old foxhunt,” Chambers said. “When we drew nearer to the pool, we fell in and wound up in the year 2005.”
When asked how he was able to quickly rise to the title of State Senator with no previous work experience, education, or knowledge of modern technology, Chambers simply said: “I’m a man.”
What do these men of yesteryear gain from these restrictions in women’s autonomy?
“Me and my boys are simple folks,” Chambers said to reporters. “We like relaxing before the hearth after a long day’s work, enjoying a hot mug of mead before bed, and making sure that women know their place as subservient to men in every way. You know, before my father died of an old-timey disease that he got because he never bathed, he told me that the key to a good mother and wife was breaking her spirit like you would a wild animal. I believe that passing this law will collectively break the spirits of almost every woman around the world.”
Unsurprisingly, thousands of women worldwide voiced their dissent for Chambers’ ideas.
“Any woman who goes against my orders is a witch and should be burned at the stake or dunked in water until she confesses to being a witch. After she admits this, she shall be given a partial lobotomy so she can become a good wife and mother to a man’s children, with no option to terminate the pregnancy,” Chambers said.
Reporters closed interviews early when a battalion of women from the year 3000 transported into the press conference and began eviscerating Chambers and his men with ray guns.