By Madame Mystique
Capricorn
(December 22-January 19)
To spice up your sex life, try shoving a pickle jar up your partner’s rectum. It’ll feel much better than a vibrator.
Aquarius
(January 20-February 18)
It’s always a good idea to have your partner, who’s prone to grand-mal seizures, go down on you.
Pisces
(February 19-March 20)
If your partner prefers you to be circumcised, do the circumcision yourself. Ladies will have a harder time than men, but at least you’ll make your partner happy.
Aries
(March 21-April 19)
A chainsaw is a perfectly acceptable substitute for a vibrator.
Taurus
(April 20-May 20)
A good place to 69 is right in front of your Conservative grandma’s bridge group. Also, make sure you bring your giant black dildo for extra fun.
Gemini
(May 21-June 20)
Everyone has their own kinks, but you should always talk about your diaper fetish in front of your co-workers. They’ll really appreciate the story about the time you got a rattle stuck up your ass.
Cancer
(June 21-July 22)
If your partner tells you that he or she has herpes, the best solution is to pour bleach on your privates.
Leo
(July 23-August 22)
If you’re drunk, horny, and manage to somehow get into a zoo, the first thing you should do is try to hump a lion.
Virgo
(August 23-September 22)
When you decide to masturbate to porn but are tired of seeing the same sites over and over again, try lemonparty.org. They do things the old-fashioned way!
Libra
(September 23-October 22)
Try having anal sex with your partner’s head in an oven to really heat things up.
Scorpio
(October 23-November 21)
Is anal sex starting to get too boring? Try sticking things up your or your partner’s urethra.
Sagittarius
(November 22-December 21)
Remember, when engaging in hard core BDSM, safe words are always optional.
With files from Livia Turnbull