Fauxroscopes Sex Tips Edition

By Madame Mystique


(December 22-January 19)

To spice up your sex life, try shoving a pickle jar up your partner’s rectum. It’ll feel much better than a vibrator.


(January 20-February 18)

It’s always a good idea to have your partner, who’s prone to grand-mal seizures, go down on you. 


(February 19-March 20)

If your partner prefers you to be circumcised, do the circumcision yourself. Ladies will have a harder time than men, but at least you’ll make your partner happy.


(March 21-April 19)

A chainsaw is a perfectly acceptable substitute for a vibrator. 


(April 20-May 20)

A good place to 69 is right in front of your Conservative grandma’s bridge group. Also, make sure you bring your giant black dildo for extra fun.


(May 21-June 20)

Everyone has their own kinks, but you should always talk about your diaper fetish in front of your co-workers. They’ll really appreciate the story about the time you got a rattle stuck up your ass. 


(June 21-July 22)

If your partner tells you that he or she has herpes, the best solution is to pour bleach on your privates.


(July 23-August 22)              

If you’re drunk, horny, and manage to somehow get into a zoo, the first thing you should do is try to hump a lion.


(August 23-September 22)

When you decide to masturbate to porn but are tired of seeing the same sites over and over again, try lemonparty.org. They do things the old-fashioned way!


(September 23-October 22)

Try having anal sex with your partner’s head in an oven to really heat things up.


(October 23-November 21)

Is anal sex starting to get too boring?  Try sticking things up your or your partner’s urethra.


(November 22-December 21)

Remember, when engaging in hard core BDSM, safe words are always optional.

With files from Livia Turnbull