Formerly driven new student now far, far behind the curve

College system claims yet another victim

By Cazzy Lewchuk, Staff Writer

Former wide-eyed idealist Caleb Jones was reported last Thursday as finally being totally broken by the system. The months of excitement and genuine passion he had in preparing for his first semester of college had been destroyed. While he spent the summer and the beginning of September being enthusiastic and eager in his upcoming studies, it seems a mere three weeks of exposure to the system left him broken, bitter, and systematically opposed to education.

“I’m already a month behind on homework three weeks into the semester, and they’ve placed me on academic probation!” Caleb explained. Questioned on how this was even possible, he replied: “I don’t know! Apparently they actually expect you to read over the material and come to class ready to discuss what we had learned? What kind of a zoo is this? I thought I left all of this behind in high school!”

Although stress is quite common in September (particularly to new students), Caleb’s case seems extremely out of the ordinary. We discussed with his guidance counselor the reasons for his comically inept academic status and disillusionment, breaking several confidence and privacy laws in the process.

“It seems Caleb spent the entire summer preparing for college by watching things like Animal House, Revenge of the Nerds, and that episode of The Simpsons where Homer has to go back to college,” counsellor Cindy Creed explained. “Instead of doing productive things like attending new student orientation and reviewing his class schedule, he stocked up on togas, beer, and information on how to outsmart the dean.”

Cindy went on to explain how the suggestions she gave him to improve himself went unheeded. “After I suggested he get involved in some campus groups, he was very disappointed to find not a single fraternity or sorority among the Douglas ranks. Encouraging him to be passionate about his studies didn’t help, either. It turns out he had no idea what his class schedule was, and had just been attending whichever class had the most ‘hot girls’ in it each day. He’s certainly learning about a lot of different subjects, but it definitely explains his 0.0 GPA and lack of any student records.”

As it turns out, Caleb was not even actually registered in the system—he neglected to submit any tuition or registration over the summer, instead using the time to marathon the Van Wilder movies. While he had managed to blend in for the first few weeks, security was forced to remove him on Thursday after he set off a bra cannon in the concourse while dressed in a toga, leading to this interview.

At press time, it was reported that Caleb had been newly enrolled in a school where excessive drinking, bra cannons, and general goofing off were encouraged, all of which he could do while receiving a prestigious diploma in four years. He looks forward to starting his “studies” at UBC.

This piece is a satirical humour article.