Girlfriend really bitching about pumpkin patch

Babe, I get it—I know it’s October

By Isabelle Orr, Contributor

Thousands of twenty-something young men stood behind Warren Hopkins at a press conference last Sunday.

“We’re sick, tired, and completely fed up,” Hopkins said, while the men behind him cheered with approval.

Their cause?

“All of our girlfriends won’t shut up about going to a pumpkin patch,” Hopkins said, slamming his fist on the podium for emphasis. “It’s like, babe, I get it. I know it’s October.”

Many twenty-something women, like Hopkin’s girlfriend Clarissa Minuette, feel the urge to visit the closest pumpkin patch as soon as the weather drops below ten degrees Celsius.

“I don’t get it,” Hopkins said. “She usually doesn’t even like to go outside. What’s so special about a pumpkin?”

Other Press reporters spoke to sociologist Marie Donnelly to get to the root—seasonal root vegetable, that is—of the matter.

“As we all know, October brings autumn, colder weather, and Halloween,” Donnelly explained. “But more importantly, October brings great photo opportunities and bulky sweaters and scarves that conceal the fact that you’ve just eaten a box of Stovetop Stuffing by yourself.”

Boyfriends were campaigning for what they called their “relationship rights.”

“I shouldn’t have to take four whole hours out of my Sunday just to drive all the way out to Richmond, stand in the dirt for two hours, and take a hundred pictures of Katie wearing boots and a hat,” boyfriend Peter Campbell said to the press. “She’s going to want me to carve the pumpkin afterwards, too. I’m going to have to scoop all the guts out! They’re gross!”

“It’s barely October,” boyfriend Michael Baker complained. “The pumpkin will rot before Halloween. It’s just not practical.”

“We’re standing up to our girlfriends by standing up for ourselves,” Hopkins announced to the press. “We’re putting our foot down. No more pumpkin patch photos this year, no more pumpkin patch photos any year. We’re sick and tired of gourds.”

Across town, the girlfriends of the protesters were holding a candlelight vigil.

“Each candle represents a football, basketball, or baseball game we’ve had to watch and pretend to be interested in,” Clarissa Minuette, Hopkins’ girlfriend, explained. “I’ve been with Warren for three years. That’s three March Madnesses. I think he can take six nicely lit, slightly retouched photos of me holding a fucking white pumpkin.”