Hot sauce Papi

Drake+hot sauce+condoms=Lawsuit
By Matthew Fraser, Editor in Chief

Every once in a while a story comes out where someone attempts to defraud another via conniving and scheming methods before being caught in the most beautifully and poetically way possible.

The internet is full and overflowing with wild stories. It seems like you can’t go a day without some “Florida Man does something crazy” or “Racist Karen harasses black toddler for no reason” Esque story clogging your timeline and social media feed. At times, it’s like half of the world has gone insane while the other half is either present at the moment of insanity or a hapless victim of said insanity. But every once in a while a story comes out where someone attempts to defraud another via conniving and scheming methods before being caught in the most beautifully and poetically way possible. Whenever that happens, the insanity of the world seems justified.

Now, I do want to point out from the outset that this particular story has not been confirmed by either party and, at this time the alleged Instagram model involved remains unnamed. As such, this recently viral story might all be a fabrication meant to garner laughs and keep Drake on top of the cultural conversation.

The rumour which seems to have originated from an Instagram post by toomuchhottea alleges that the Toronto rapper put hot sauce into a condom after sex with an IG model. The story goes that Drake and the model first began to contact each other through Instagram DM’s before eventually meeting at a Las Vegas party. Following the party, the two returned to Drake’s hotel room for some consensual, safe, adult engagements (sex); after Drake had finished, he went to dispose of the used condom in the bathroom. Here is where the rumour really heats up (pun intended); the model then admits to going into the bathroom, removing the condom from the garbage and trying to empty it into her vagina with the hopes of getting pregnant. The model said it felt like “pouring hot lava” into her vagina, so she screamed. Accordingly, Drake then enters and after hearing her explanation admits to pouring hot sauce into the condom to “kill the sperm.” As a result of her supposed injuries, this model is said to be suing Drake, though at this time no statement of claim has been filed.

 Here is my sizzling hot take: if the above story actually occurred, then this woman should be laughed out of court and scorned for her efforts. Why? Because if you are having consensual sex with someone and they are wearing a condom, their goal is clearly not to get you pregnant, and, (supposing you can be impregnated) they aren’t consenting to impregnate you. By breaking the implied trust or at least line of respect by trying to impregnate yourself with their sperm, you are engaging in a now non-consensual activity. That doesn’t de facto mean you should be harmed, but it certainly means that if your attempted trickery backfires it’s your own fault.

Now some people have questioned why Drake would throw the condom into the garbage rather than flush it. Assuming he (justifiably) feared an attempt at self-impregnation, that surely would have been a better method. Though the logic is certainly there, the reality is that young bachelors are advised not to flush condoms down the toilet. According to a 2017 Global News article, the non-biodegradable latex used to make condoms can get caught in sewage pipes and cause blockages. Additionally, Metro UK points out that: “The chemicals added to the latex mix, which provide[s] shelf life and stability, stop the condom from breaking down swiftly in the ocean. In fact, scientist[s] are currently unsure how long your sexy sheath takes to break down in the ocean, but estimates put it at around 30 years.”

Additionally, there is the theory that hot sauce could kill sperm to consider. How true is that? Well, according to a study by Fertility and Sterility, if treated with hydrochloric acid between 7.5 and 4.0 pH sperm: “are immobilized and killed at rates linearly proportional to the hydrogen ion concentration. At pH 4.0, this rate is fast enough that all sperm are immobilized in less than 30 seconds.” On the hot sauce side, Hot Sauce Hell states that for unrefrigerated hot sauces: “A good pH level for the sauce should be around 3.4 and can be tested accurately with a pH meter.” Meaning it is quite possible that a standard fast-food hot sauce package would be acidic enough to kill sperm in under a minute.

I have no sympathy for the IG model alleged injured in this incident. I find the whole shebang to be a humourous case of poetic justice. If anything, I hope that this teaches a few good lessons to everyone in need of learning. If not, I hope that the Trojan-Drake-Franks Red Hot condom blossoms from meme to a gag product so people can “Put that sh*t on everything.”