Judgy elliptical machine takes gym by storm
By Sharon Miki, Humour Editor
Coquitlam gym-goers are all up in arms after noticing some fairly rude modifications to their cardio-training equipment last week.
“All I wanted to do was trudge through 25 minutes on the elliptical while watching Family Feud on the tiny television,” said Kara Mara, 19. “The last thing I need is my elliptical asking me about the existential nature of my existence! And I definitely don’t think it’s any of the machine’s business how much time I spend playing Kim Kardashian: Hollywood.”
Indeed, patrons of Silver’s Gym in southern Coquitlam were shocked when the gym’s cardio equipment began asking more intrusive questions than the standard of “What is your age?” and “How much do you weigh?” at the beginning of their workouts. A quick sampling of the new questions that exercisers are forced to answer before their machines will start include: How dare you? Why don’t your friends call you when they’re sober? How much money did you spend on Red Bull last year? Will you ever find love—or are you doomed to be forever alone? And, why you gotta be so rude?
“My treadmill asked me how many years it would take me to pay off my student loans,” cried Steve LaDouchee, a 22-year-old Douglas College student. “I mean—I don’t even know that!”
Gym owners Sarahbella Kinsella and Claude Van Dam, however, stand by their decision to modify their cardio equipment.
“We just got sick of our clients flitting in and out of the gym every day without really questioning their life choices. As fitness professionals, we feel like it’s our duty to make our patrons feel bad about themselves and their bodies,” said Van Dam.
“With everyone juice cleansing and doing daily squats, it’s getting harder and harder for us to body-shame them. So we took things to a synergistic new level. Next-level stuff, you might say,” said Kinsella, smugly.
The strategy—while controversial—seems to be working, as gym attendance is at an all-time high. Van Dam equates the program’s success with society’s deep, intrinsic loneliness.
“It’s true,” agreed Mara. “The machines are mean, invasive, and bizarre—but at least someone’s asking me about my day, you know? It’s more than my boyfriend will ever do.”
