By Cazzy Lewchuk, Staff Writer
You: Blonde wearing a hoody. Somewhere between 5’2” and 5’10” or so. Green eyes, I think. I don’t know, my mother says I’m not very observant. Also I can’t make eye contact very well. But you were a blonde, I believe. Unless it was a wig?
Me: Corner Starbucks table. Fedora, ponytail, full facial hair. As I sipped my hot chocolate, I was enthralled by the angel before me on the other end of the establishment. Perhaps we can meet again in Starbucks for adventure and excitement.
You: Totally normal dude, black T-shirt, gorgeous hair, kinda ripped, cute face, having a beer at that great bar my friends always go to! You’ve seen us there, you must have. We’re the totally cute girls in the minidresses who are there every weekend!
Me: Just a totally normal (I swear!) girl looking for a handsome guy to settle down with who I can go on wild adventures with, but still watch Netflix in my sweatpants with when I’m moody! If you’re a Capricorn, Libra, Taurus, Virgo, Scorpio, Gemini, Pisces, or Aquarius, don’t bother replying.
You: Mature, balding man. Likes to wear sport coats. Enjoys coffee and poetry. Last seen teaching Introduction to English on Thursday from 3:30–6:30.
Me: Young-looking but extremely mature freshman! I’m a bit shy and don’t talk much in class, but I saw you reading the newspaper so I hope you’ll see this! Come hang out with me! I’ll make you date squares—I once overheard you telling another professor you like them!
You: At beach with woman and two children. You were quite happy with them. I’ll bet you’re a really excellent daddy.
Me: Senior man watching from a distance. I was the one sporting bird-watching binoculars and a crisp Speedo. You should call me up. I can take you away from the hassle of a family and show you my sweet bachelor pad.
You: Attractive girlfriend of my brother who he took to White Spot last Sunday. You hit it off right away with me and my wife. You ooze hotness with your red hair and gorgeous body.
Me: Bored brother of your boyfriend, whose love life isn’t what it used to be with the wife. She’s mentioned she wants to spice things up a bit and said she’d love to spend more time with you, I think. Call us and you can come over for a night of wonders.
You: My attractive brother-in-law who went to White Spot with us last week. You had an annoying girlfriend who was trying too hard to fit in, although my husband didn’t seem to mind.
Me: Bored housewife who wants to spice things up with someone besides my husband. I told him I want to spend more time with you, but I don’t think he was listening. Let’s run away together in the night!
You: Gorgeous 19-year-old guy, successful, recently single, AND JUST MAKES MY HEART GO CRAZY! OMG!!!! UR HAIR N UR VOICE! ILY!!!!!!!!!!!
Me: Sexy, mature 35-year-old college student. I saw your concert last month and I’M JUST YOUR BIGGEST FAN JUSTIN PLEASE TWEET ME! @bodacious_bovine80!!!! I’LL DM YOU MY DIGITS! I LOVE YOU JUSTIN! So call me, maybe?