The rise of celebrity politicians gives room for politician celebrities
By Greg Waldock, Staff Writer
With Oprah’s popularity skyrocketing after the Golden Globes earlier this year, all eyes are turning on her for the announcement of a presidential bid. Now that former reality TV star and lifelike marionette Donald Trump has been elected, and the Democrats are considering Oprah as their own anti-vaccine and radically wealthy response, the floodgates are open to any popular personality of the day—and today, that personality is Justin Trudeau. He announced his bid to run for American office early this Wednesday in a press conference at the American-Ontario border, which he promises to remove at American expense.
He arrived at the conference on snowboard, which he kicked off and flung into a crowd of screaming teenagers before brushing his perfect locks aside and stepping up to the podium.
“I’m famous for being a gorgeous man first, a high school teacher second, and a high school teacher third,” he said, with a knowing wink at each camera consecutively. “But, I’m more than just a pretty face: I’m also ridiculously charismatic, and I support women’s rights. I think that says enough about why I should rule almost all of North America.”
Though the Liberal Party has always polled low in the States, many American news agencies are already willing to give him a shot. CNN ran a segment the following day describing Trudeau’s many accomplishments, such as being a snowboarding instructor and earning most of a master’s degree in Environmental Science. MSNBC detailed the astounding lack of Canadians in American political office, and Sean Hannity with FOX News spent three hours describing Canada as a war-torn hellscape beset by roving gangs of Quebecois raiding the eastern reaches.
Justin Trudeau has not announced his policies, agendas, or cabinet lineups, but he has sworn to go back and edit all of Trump’s presidential tweets for grammar and punctuation. His American campaign is expected to start up in 2019 and will be simultaneous with the next Canadian federal election, and he has decided to balance the two by just flying along the 49th parallel and visiting those odd border towns where kids need two passports just to visit school in the morning. Other presidential hopefuls have already demanded to see his birth certificate. Unfortunately, since it’s in French, none of them can verify it save for Ted Cruz, who has been keeping his own Canadian identity a closely-guarded secret.
At the American-Ontario border address, Justin closed off his statements with inspiring words of self-confidence: “I have a famous last name, I’m astoundingly wealthy, and I would break several laws just by being elected. It’s been a long time since America had a president so qualified.”