Serious sports predictions from an oblivious bandwagon fan
By Sharon Miki, Humour Editor
After months of summer sun in which I had so much fun outside that I pretty much totally forgot all about the red-haired psychic twins, sexy Kesler, angry John Tortellini, and hockey in general, it seems that our home team, the Vancouver Canucks, will be back in real-season action on October 8.
As always—even though I legitimately know very little about hockey or the NHL—I don’t like to feel left out of anything that’s trending on Facebook. As such, here are my major, 100 per cent guaranteed-to-be-true predictions for the Canucks’ 2014/15 season. Feel free to use these tips/rumours wisely and win your hockey pools; I only demand 45 per cent of your profits.
1. Trevor Linden is back…on the ice!
Sure, everyone was excited when they heard that former Canucks captain had jumped out from his Clearly Contacts SkyTrain ads and back into our hearts as the club’s president last April—but that wasn’t Trev’s big surprise. Indeed, everyone’s favourite centre will undoubtedly be returning to the ice to fill the skates that Kesler left vacant. Even if Trev is pushing 45, he’s still probably better than Kesler.
2. Surprise! The Sedin twins are actually triplets—and their sister wants in on the game
A little-known fact that I heard on the bus is that Daniel and Henrik Sedin are more than just twins; they’re actually triplets. And, upon hearing of the boys’ declining success, their same-age-sister, Annika, is lacing up her skates to become the first female Canuck—and to score some much-needed goals.
3. Ryan Miller is an experienced goalie, so it’s doubtful he will get ice time
If I’ve seen the Canucks be good at one thing, it’s building up goalies then totally abandoning them for less-experienced backups at critical points in the season. As such, I’m fairly sure that Miller, a former Vezina Trophy winner, will spend most of the season chilling on the bench while some Timbits Atom A goalie defends the net.
4. Radim Vrbata doesn’t disappoint everyone
Vrbata is a promising new Canuck, who has been slated to play alongside the Sedins in the 2014/15 season. While realists might warn against placing too much blind hope in the yet-untested chemistry of the line, my spidey sense suspects that everything will go just as GM Jim Benning and head coach Willie Desjardins hope, and he will consistently score a hat trick every game. Bet on it, optimists!
5. Eddie doesn’t lack charisma: so he decides to moonlight as Fin!
It must be hard to be Eddie Lack: he’s pretty young, and he’s had a lot of responsibility thrust towards him in the last year. Through it all though, he’s maintained a cheerful public persona and winning smile. It’s because of this charm that Lack is in talks to spend his time on the bench out in the stands—dressed up as the Canucks mascot, Fin.