By Jacey Gibb, Assistant Editor
My first encounter with Cosmopolitan magazine came when I was in junior high. At some point, while I was busy trying not to laugh every time someone said the word ‘penis’ aloud, a group of females in my grade had adopted this glossy-covered monthly production as somewhat of a pseudo Bible. Over the years I grew to enjoy the company of Cosmo not for its accuracy or helpfulness, but for the sheer enjoyment my friends and I would get from purchasing a copy before a road trip and reading from its hyper-sexualized pages the latest tips on how to please our imaginary men. The thing is a rag, a 126-year-old joke with no punchline in sight, but that doesn’t make its ridiculousness any less entertaining.
After a recent conversation about how ludicrous Cosmo is led to an hour-long laugh-fest over the inane sex tips, I decided to take it upon myself to seek out some of the magazine’s most preposterous from over the years and discredit their supposed potency. Some are tips from the magazine, some were submitted by readers, but all are absolutely terrible.
“Press a fork (firmly, but don’t break the skin or anything) into different parts of his body—his butt cheeks, his pecs, his thighs.” As much as I love having cutlery pressed against my body—oh wait, I don’t. And neither does your boyfriend. The thought of someone taking cold metal against my skin at random doesn’t illicit arousal, but rather discomfort. My body isn’t some shortbread cookie waiting for an aesthetic flattening, so don’t treat it as such.
“Freeze some grapes in a Ziploc bag. Once they’re ice-cold, put them in your mouth. Then begin oral sex. The temperature and sensation produced by the grapes while you’re giving him oral sex is incredible. You might want to try spraying your mouth with Binaca or using mint-flavored toothpaste right before going down on him. This will give his penis a nice warm feeling.” I feel bad for all of the unlucky guys who had to endure this form of hot/cold torture because their girlfriends trusted the Cretan that is Cosmo. No guy is thinking “You know what, I really wish I got more sub-zero blowjobs.” If they did, then having sex with a snowball would probably be a thing. Frozen grapes should be reserved for making ice wine and never go near a man’s junk.
“Sprinkle a little pepper under his nose right before he climaxes. Sneezing can feel similar to an orgasm and amplify the feel-good effects.” When I’m about to orgasm, one of the last things on my mind is the desire to have pepper tossed up my nostrils. Ignoring the fact that this would likely burn my nose, I would hate to be the guy that blew snot all over his girlfriend while making whoopee.
“Long, pointy nails made a comeback this year—use those talons to scratch his back, chest, inner thighs…” Maybe I’m biased because I chew my nails but I don’t think that long, pointy nails did, or ever should, make a comeback. I get a considerable amount of scratch marks simply from hanging out with my cat, so I’ll apologize if I don’t automatically associate them with eroticism.
“When he’s least expecting it, tell your man you need some change. Then stick your hand in his pocket and start rubbing his penis through the fabric, pretending that you’re really digging around for that coinage you need. When he’s good and hard, whisper something Mae West-ish in his ear like, “Is that a roll of quarters in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?” He’ll practically bust out of his pants.” Really?
“The top songs to have on your sex playlist, according to the UCLA sex survey: anything by Marvin Gaye, Maroon 5’s ‘She Will Be Loved,’ and David Guetta’s ‘Sexy Bitch.’” It’s quite a funky spectrum to see Gaye and Maroon 5 recommended in the same sentence, but I have to interject. I’m not one for generic, shit-pop songs or stuff that you’d hear on repeat at Mirage on a Saturday night, so where does that leave me? One of my personal favourites would have to be M83—toss on their latest, Hurry up, We’re Dreaming, and let the consistently shifting beat set a rhythm. I want to hear Adam Levine’s voice playing in the bedroom as much as I want to make out with a cheese grater.
“Very softly bite the skin of his scrotum.” I know it’s difficult for girls to understand this because they don’t have one, but a guy’s scrotum is a sensitive thing. I’m sure there are a lot of gents out there who love themselves a bit of teeth action though, so maybe just run it by him before treating his sack like a candy cane.
If you’re really desperate for some juicy sex tips, then here’s one that’ll drive your guy crazy: show up. And if you’re feeling really frisky, try bringing your vagina with you. Showing up will provide the opportunity for intercourse, while bringing a vagina will increase the chances for actual intercourse to take place. Let’s leave the frozen grapes in the fridge, our forks in the cutlery drawer, and the Maroon 5 sex playlists non-existent.