Photo illustration by Lauren Kelly
Locals satisfied with logical explanation for city’s poor housing solutions
By Klara Woldenga, Humour Editor
Vancouver locals were shocked yet relieved to learn the entire Vancouver City Council was replaced by beings from outer space in 2011. The revelation came after secret government documents, reportedly stolen from Justin Trudeau’s laptop—which he left unattended at a cafe while trying to take a cool selfie in the establishment’s bathroom—were shared on the subreddit /r/Vancouver. Regarding the careless selfie, Trudeau defended his actions, stating, “How else was I supposed to let everyone know I was doing something cool?”
The documents reveal that on the night of July 21, 2011, all of the Vancouver City Council members were lured away from their homes after all being mailed a mysterious “You have won a free boat!” flyer, which had instructions to show up unattended at Dude Chilling Park at 11 p.m. Each targeted member was successfully abducted. The aliens then proceeded to disguise themselves as every single member of the Vancouver City Council. According to the leaked documents, they have been part of the system ever since, simply abducting the new members of the council the moment they are elected and returning the previous members unharmed to Earth with implanted memories.
Although these newly-revealed facts are disturbing, many Vancouver locals find the new information to be a huge relief. Linda Baker, a Mount Pleasant resident, is terrified of aliens and what they could do to Earth, but was relieved by the information, telling the Other Press that “Finally after all this time, I have a proper explanation for why there is a serious disconnect between what city hall sees as affordable and what people can actually afford.”
Kitsilano resident James Ferrin agrees, stating he’s sorry for the families that have been affected, but that he’s glad there’s finally a proper reason for the ridiculousness.
“I mean, who on Earth would think that 1,600 a month is an affordable bachelor apartment housing option?” said Ferrin. “Now I finally understand why City Council would start building ‘affordable’ housing at that price, while also not changing building permits for micro-housing. They simply aren’t from Earth! It makes so much sense!”
In response to the leaked documents, the aliens gave a statement.
“You got us,” they collectively said. “We’re honestly surprised we could keep it up for this long. As beings from an entirely different dimension, we have no concept of your Earth ‘dollars,’ or any idea of what ‘affordable’ means. We thought everyone would have gotten tipped off a long time ago.”
When asked if the aliens would just leave, they refused.
“Do you know how empty and vast the universe is?” they said. “We are totally bored out there; we’re not leaving.”
The aliens did express some slight embarrassment in getting caught but stated that they knew it was only a matter of time before Trudeau would create a leak, just as he’s destined to do with the upcoming pipeline project.
